Training Your Human
by Clare
Cats are professionals at training Humans. Most Humans don't realize it, but we Cats are constantly working on their training. Even when they're sleeping, we're molding them to conform to our needs and expectations. For the rest of you Pan Critters, here are a few tips.
Most Humans are actually very easy to train, since it never occurs to them that we are capable of doing such a thing. The key to training Humans is to let them think they're in control. Since they're bigger than most of us, they expect to be in control, and this works to our advantage. Therefore, any lesson can only go so far before they get suspicious. The key is to establish the penalty for noncompliance and reinforce this with repetition without making yourself obnoxious, which will only aggravate your Human. An upset Human takes much longer to train.
For example: My friend Silverthorn will claw the side of the chair at the computer while Zoe is sitting there when he wants treats or to go out. Except for a time or two in the beginning, he never actually claws her leg, but she remembers the early training sessions and will get up quickly to avoid being scratched.
The most important lessons involve food. When, where, and especially what. Your Human will attempt to tell you when you are hungry. It's up to you to let them know that you don't necessarily want to eat according to their schedule. They eat when they're hungry, why shouldn't you? Then they will try to designate what they consider to be a proper dining spot for you. This can be dealt with by choosing your own spot and waiting patiently until they serve your food before you. They will eventually, because they worry about you not eating. The all important menu offerings take some time, because there are so many possibilities. When you get something you'd like to see again, make a point of eating all of it and desperately licking the empty plate. Then thank your Human in whatever way works best on yours. When you don't like what's on your plate, a neat trick is to turn your back on it and pretend that you are burying it in your litter box. This gets them every time. Try it!
Then there are the sleeping arrangements. Humans will buy articles labeled cat beds or dog beds, or some such thing. While there's nothing really wrong with all these products, they're usually placed in some corner. On the floor. Humans don't sleep on the floor. Why should we? What you do is wait until they are almost asleep and jump onto the bed and settle yourself next to them, or on them if you prefer. The Human will be too tired to get up and do anything about you. After several nights of this, it will realize just how much it enjoys your presence.
There are many areas of your life in which you will need to train your Human to accommodate your desires. By adapting the techniques I have described to your situation and needs, the training of your Human can be accomplished with perseverance on your part, and it will soon be on its way to becoming an asset to you.
Yowls to ya!
