The Doctor is

"A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing"

~ Disclaimer ~
I'm not a medical doctor, I just play one on PanHistoria.
Column for amusement purposes only. Do not try this at home. Void where prohibited.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath, I know you are not a veterinarian, but maybe you can help me, anyway? It's Rudolph's nose. It's red, but not so bright as to glow and be useful to me. Could you either, er, brighten it, or make it normal? He's such a showoff and the other reindeer aren't happy about it. ~~ Jolly Saint Nick

A: The kindly Dr. Neferbath remembers a trip to Finnland where he was served reindeer steaks, and would understand your poor reindeer wanting to blend into the scenery a bit better. The Doctor fears that showoff thing won't last all that long.

It is possible that the nasal redness is caused by a bit of a tipple now and then, and so perhaps if you hide the egg nog and the rum, you'll be happier. Does he ever fly into walls?

If you would, on the other hand, prefer his proboscis brightly glowing, so you can find your way through the smog and dark of night, you may wish to make your first stop on your itinerary Chernobyl. The Doctor is given to understand that the region still glows.

By the way, when you reach my establishment on the Nile, you can leave me some 24 carat gold and, oh, perhaps the Hope Diamond.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath: Dear ole Santa is beginning to show his age, and his cholesterol and blood pressure are way up there. Any suggestions? ~~ Rudolph the Red

A: Time to hide the cookies and butter on him! Dr. Neferbath suggests one of you reindeer go down the chimney first, and snarf up any goodies left for him. And, that way if one of you gets stuck, there are always seven reindeer left, and the homeowners can have an extra bonus of reindeer steaks for their freezer. Or for the doctor, when he comes calling again.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath, Dear Inkompotep: (Mind if I get familiar?) I'm a time traveller, and I need to know what sorts of medical supplies I should bring with me into the past. I don't want to carry anything that would look suspicious, but I do want to use something a bit more efficient and appealing than, say, the local mouse dung. ~~ Jane Doe, Time Traveller

A: Doctor Neferbath recommends a nice tricorder, if you have one of them in your culture, and then you can just be done with it. They're cell-phone sized and have their own internal power supply, and at least you can then do diagnostics. He understands that if you are riding calvary your fellow horsemen will look at you askance if you use it while driving. The Doctor hears tell that this inattention to where your horse is going can cause accidents -- but on the other hand tricorders were made for accidental aftermaths, as it were.

Ah, but you may not come from a culture that has tricorders. The good Doctor recommends you bring bandaids and lots of aspirin. Willow bark just doesn't cut it. Find the local source of hooch for anaesthesia.

Actually, your best bet is to stay home and rent a movie. But if you find yourself in ancient Egypt, the Doctor remarks that he is a purveyer of the finest mouse dung around.


Dr. Inkompotep Neferbath is a physician living in the soft sandy underbelly of Ancient Egyptian novels, performing root canals with abandon, and boiling books to extract their wisdom. He notes that this is his eighth column for the paper, and that they still haven't paid him, although he did get this really really cool banner.

Please leave him your medical questions to be answered with pungent expertise in the next issue of The PanHistorian.



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