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Q: Dear Dr Neferbath, Ordinarily I'd consult the celebrity doctor
who hosts the beauty spot on our network but he did a terrible
job on our roving reporter's nose job last month and I'm not
sure he can be trusted ... so I suppose you will have to do *sigh*
Being the highest rated news presenter in Kiddistan I need to
make sure I am always stunningly beautiful. I'm looking for a
way of keeping my face its loveliest and I'll do anything, even
go under the knife (provided it happens over the summer hiatus
and the bandages are off before the paparazzi get to me). What
would you suggest? ~~ Kit Kat
A: The goodly Doctor Neferbath walks offstage for a moment,
noting to himself that Kit Kat has no worries in the stunningly
beautiful department. But, pecunary considerations weigh in,
and he returns.
The doctor remarks that there are several options open to you,
starting with the lowly Mud Bath. One of the difficulties with
the Mud Bath is the tendency for the Mud to resolve itself into
Cement, which requires a chisel, or on bad days, a sledgehammer,
to crack and peel free. Thus this solution may do more marring
than mending.
He recommends a Botox injection, despite the tendency of such
treatments to reduce the skin on the face to all the emotional
content of the aforementioned cement.
On the other hand, for a sure thing, the doctor suggests you
try the knife, which will provide the most padding to his pocket,
er, which will provide the most embellishments to your features.
He is able to sculpt any facial design you want, you have a
choice of Britny Spears, Madonna, or the Easter bunny. Other
designs for your facial features will take some practice, and
for a slight reduction in fee, he is willing to practice on you.
On the positive side is that he can near-guarantee that the paparazzi
will be so misdirected they will never find you.
Q: Hey, Doc! You think you can explain to me how Gandalf got
resurrected, and I didn't? That was some strange fight, one minutes
in the pits of Moria, the next via some tesseract no doubt, up
on the highest craigs of somewhere. I'd really like to come back
to life, too! ~~ The Balrog
A: Dr. Neferbath is puzzled that you are able to contact him,
if you are dead, but there are quite a few things which puzzle
him about Moria. Also, he does not have much practice dealing
with balrogs, since except for you, and perhaps not excepting
you, you're extinct. He recalls that he once operated on a dodo
bird, which only hastened their extinction. Since there is probably
not much fiscally savvy in it for him by helping you, he fears
your best bet at this point is to consult with one of the Vanir.
PS: If he could master this resurrection thing, he could toss
over the day job!
Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath, I've been to doctor after doctor, and
no one seems to be able to help me. My feet ache, my legs ache,
my head aches, and now my earlobes ache. What's a long-suffering
person such as myself to do? ~~ Hypo Chondriac
A: Doctor Neferbath notes that you have come to just the right
place, and will start you on therapy immediately. The earlobes,
that's a rare syndrome. You'll need to massage this oil from
the rare pink-bellied twippertweet into them twice a day, and
before and after you eat.
If that doesn't work, surgery may be the only answer. Oh, yes,
it's not just a little pain you are suffering. It's the beginnings
of something with one of those long unpronouncible long Latin
names that is nearly always fatal. In time. In time everything
is fatal; oh yes, just grow your hair long to cover your ears!
I'll get the call in to Surgery immediately...
Oh. No money? No insurance? The door is over there.
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