Dear Dr Neferbath,

I've had this pain in my hip for about forever now, and the x-rays don't show a thing wrong with it. I never thought I'd be asking my most esteemed colleague for advice, but I find that the idiots that pass for doctors in my neck of the woods can't seem to help me. They all offer me bottles of drugs that put me to sleep and keep wanting me to join an exercise club. All that jumping around would only make my hip hurt worse. Besides, can you imagine an old lady like me in those shorts and tight shirts they wear in those places? They'd laugh me right out of there! So what do you suggest?

~~ Hopefully yours, Agatha Agnes Adeline Jones

The kindly Doctor Neferbath believes that in a century from now, the current craze for "exercise" and "physical fitness" will be over. After all, consider: Not that many years ago a good hearty breakfast of eggs and bacon were considered healthy and good for you. Then, the eggs and bacon disappeared to be replaced by granola and carrot juice. Now, the eggs, if not the bacon, are back, what with this low-carb thing. In one hundred years, we'll shun exercise for the "joggers' knees" and "tennis elbow" hazards it so truly presents, and we'll be cutting the strands of meat off of our bacon and just consuming the fat. Raw.

Exercise can do nothing but hurt your hip further. You are wise to disdain such a move. The Doctor does believe there is nothing wrong with those sleeping medications but can understand why you choose not to use them as a permanent solution. After all, there are times to be awake, such as when people pay you the money they owe you. You'd hate to miss out on that!.

If you live in a cold climate, packing yourself in ice is one possibility. Injecting numbing agents into your hip region is another. The Doctor has had some success with curare, when he remembers to adjust the dose properly.

For a small fee (he hasno need for anyone's first-born sons) Doctor Neferbath is willing to conduct the appropriate surgery himself. He will assume you won't refuse a painkiller during the operation, and he'll guarantee that he will remove something while under your skin..

Dear Dr Neferbath,

My flatmate insists on turning the bass way up on her stereo. At times this has resulted in an earth rumbling vibration which threatens the equilibrium of the other members of the household ...

Can Inkie prescribe anything or will we just have to live with the minor earthquakes?

~~ Myrr

Dr. Neferbath assumes murder is out, due to legal harassments if nothing else. He also assumes a stereo-ectomy would be misconstrued nearly to the same level as murder, no?

You may wish to re-position the stereo to a locale prescribed by a Geomancer, of which I am not. If this does not satisfy you, large wads of soft but dense material placed in your ears will help protect the auditory canals; donkey dung has worked for me, but you would probably prefer another material. However, plugging the ears will not prevent the vibratory effects. I suggest bringing in a hot tub or some other bathwater solution (though I personally cringe at the notion) and settle yourself therein, with your ears plugged. The water will serve as a vibratory buffer.

Dear Quack: I'm a Viking chick, and I'm gettng sword-swinger's wrist. Don't tell me to settle down and raise sheep; been there, done that, got the chain mail. I just need medical advice so I can keep up in my chosen career. And if I don't like your advice, your head would make a great trophy, after a good dunking.

~~ Iðunn Ironbear

The parasites running around the good Doctor's scalp are in a frenzy, so he hopes you will take pity on them if you do not like the good Doctor's answers. . ...
Wrist braces are always good, besides they'll strengthen your sword arm, and provide just one more layer of protection to keep the enemy from slicing through. Oh, you tried that? Uh, your best bet, and we can try this right now, is to close your eyes and count to one hundred, then count down backwards. Good, you got that?

Note to self: Viking chicks fall for that every time... (hightailing it out to find self a horse...)