Dear Dr Neferbath,

Well Doctor.... I Neferbath, i been trying to cut down on the kittens I've been eat'n. but it just ain't been work'n. Oh I can go for a few days with out one but then I go crazy and eat just about anything and everything I can get my hands on. I lost a couple good friends already, well maybe lost isn't quite the right word I should use. Because I know where they are, Gives the Doctor a Wicked Grin as I lick my Lips.......Hey Doc, Doc ,DOC....where ya Going...Dammm.....lost another One...GRRRrrrrrr.....

-- Gizmo

Well, Gizmo.. the good doctor worries about being any good friend of yours! And since he doesn't bathe, and smells sorta like a cesspool left on overdrive, he's not going to worry about your appetite. Uh, too much. You stand over there, he'll stand over here. Don't get any closer!

If you are wanting to eat kittens, the Doctor is safe finally and nowadays. He's far too self-centered to worry about other species of decimation. Gnosh down if that's your plan. But, if you want to make friends, you may need to find something else to whet your appetite. How about mosquitoes? Rodents? Large rodents such as deer?

Dear Dr Neferbath,

Dear Doctor, Please help me with a problem my cat has. He has been getting yucky furballs. I switched his food to hairball formula but now his pooh really is loose and stinkie! And he won't take the malted laxatone either... what's a person to do? It's one thing or another!

Holding her nose,

-- Harley Quinn

Doctor Neferbath reminds the gentle viewer that hairballs are a messy part of life, and that no one ever talks about them, because no one really knows the true answers. Until now. Doctor Neferbath is willing to break the ice to discuss the life cycle of a hairball. Yes, they are living creatures which inhabit the gut of sweet little Puss, minding their own business until the urge to take a scenic vacation strikes them. Then, with gusty fanfare they expel themselves from the gut. If you happen to be around to hear the explosion, and try to catch the cat to place her on some easily-cleaned surface (or out the door), they will leave a dribbled trail of themselves through every room of your house, as they convince the cat to flee your attention. If you are not at home, you will find that the hairball creatures are vacationing on your cozy fine white comforter, or nestled into the best silks.

Stinky poop is the least of the problems with the hairball formula. You can always feed your cat cornstarch to firm them up. The Doctor is probably the wrong person to ask about aroma issues. Anyhow, hairball formula prevents hairball exodus by the more conventional path, re-routing the cranky creatures into a gut buildup. Over several years of this diet, the hairballs build up in the gut to such an extent that -- well, remember the movie, Aliens? Just a word to the wise.

Ah a good eve to ya!

I be Captain Lady Cassandra Seahawke and I hear tell tat ye be ta one to be ask'n about me lovely kit, Phantasm. Aye, tat tis what I hear. So, here be m'question. Well, when I have need of a bit of help sailing ta seas or overcom'n a rather difficult situation in ummmspot'n those lovely boxes of gold and what not float'n to m'ship. Aye, tat tis the ummm truth...well we tain't here to discuss tat...tain't any royalies around are ther? Ok, anyway as I twas say'n when me and m'crew needs a bit of assist we call on ta one called Oya. Well, now tis true tat in order to point us in the right direction she do come down and needs a ahhh host. Well, 'nd m'kit well, she be right good to be so. So, when she ...Oya tat tis ...answers our call she comes 'nd ta mist do sway and swirl about, then m'kit she gets this haze in her eyes 'nd if'n you look close enouf ye can see it swirl'n 'nd sway'n in her orbs. Now ta question tis do ya think tis ok for Oya to be use'n m'kit 'nd mayhap be ta cause m'kit to be do'n so tired....but, she does after a visit sleep much so am wonder'n if'n I should be gett'n another kit just for Oya to be use'n. Or can ye suggest some herbs or such to help her groggy state after a visit by Oya? I mean after a visit she does need a might of fresh meat to replenish her and tat do mayhap be a might difficult on a pirate ship…ah we don't need to discuss wher tis gotten now do we...I mean wit her be'n a 175 pound lovely kitten 'nd all does take a bit of do'n ya know wat I mean anyhow, I came through ta cyber tear thingie and found a pic on another site ta do look like me kit….

Tain’t she a beauty… Oh, sorry dain’t I mention she be a grown panther...Aye tat she is... A real beauty...Well, Wat ye think? Ey? Can ye help her get her strength aft’n a Oya visit…

Oh yer fee, well tell me 'nd twill have one me jennies run it through ta cyber tear thingie. Right...

Thank ya kindly

-- Lady Cassandra Seahawke
Captain of Siren Resurrection, Amazon by blood, ....Warrior by nature, ........Pirate by trade.

The kindly Doctor runs the question through Bablefish for translation and parsing. Being a worldy sort of chap, he knows a right million languages but this one escapes him. Sometime later he nails down the lingo and formulates a response. That "kit" looks hungry for fresh meat, and is not looking like being put off by the good Doctor's aroma. Maybe, Gizmo and Kit should meet?

If you need to perk up Kit's attitude after a visitation by Oya, caffeine works wonders. If Kit won't drink it, lace Kit's preferred food source with coffee beans. Ginsing, root, stock and barrel, may also work. As for fresh meat at sea, this is the perfect opportunity to raid another ship. Savvy pirates of the Doctor's acquaintance keep spare men in the hold -- people they don't care about, of course -- for just such an emergency. Hopefully Kit doesn't play with her food too long.

They always say two Kits are better than one, they can amuse each other and keep each other stimulated by batting the rigging around. The one can perk the other one up, after Oya has come and gone, and if two are too much of a handful, you can always use the least favored one as sharkbait for when you need to keelhaul someone. However take note that Oya may prefer the Kit she's already hosted in. Don't mess with Oya.