Dear Dr Neferbath,
I'm a water nymph, and every winter it's the same old same
old. My skin cracks and I get frostbite in the cold waters
up here in the Far North. And, although this is out of your
domain of medical expertise, I can't find open bodies of water
that don't get frozen over. It's a rough life for a water nymph!
Do you have any remedies? Don't tell me to swim south; my boyfriend,
a tree spirit, refuses to leave his stand of northern pines
-- Nympho Darling
The kindly Doctor Inkompotep Neferbath, sitting in his old
comfortable easy chair in front of a roaring fire, inside,
notes that he'd might just have the means and wherewithal to
warm you up. Ah, no... there is indeed that matter of the boyfriend!
Who seems to be rather large for a tree spirit.
Since the ministrations of the kindly doctor are out, and
since a southerly clime is also out, the Doctor suggests going
native and rubbing down with walrus oil and whale blubber.
This will ease the chafing and chapping, although such ease
is only gained with the addition of, shall we say, a certain
odor? Oh, the boyfriend is glowering again.
Perhaps your boyfriend would be willing to use an acetylene
torch to warm you up? The Doctor advises you not to use this
directly on your person, but to warm the air in your vicinity.
Hazards? Well, yes, if you are too close to the woods, they
might catch on fire, and there is also the possibility of sunburn.
No. No you will not turn the poor and pleading Doctor Neferbath
out of his own home, just for your own selfish needs for warmth!
Would you? Will you? Help!
Dear Dr Neferbath,
I've got this nose problem.
I can't hide anywhere. They always find me. It's this nose,
it glows. And it's red, like I've been drinking, which I most
probably have not be doing. *hic* Any solutions, and what happened
to your office; where'd it go?
-- R. Reindeer
Doctor Neferbath reminds the reindeer -- since when has he
started assisting talking venison? The world has indeed changed!
-- ahem, he reminds the reindeer that his office is the world
itself, and so not having a physical office or home is a trivial
issue. At least not until he can find another one. But to the
matter at hand....
The good Doctor advises the rather meaty looking specimen
that perhaps some coal black applied over the ruddy nasal proboscus
would be effective (and wonders quietly to himself whether
Worchestershire sauce or perhaps a peppery garlic saute would
best accentuate the flavor).
The disadvantage, of course (to the coal black) is that it
can rub off very easily, especially when finding morsels to
eat in the snow. So perhaps you could adhere the coal black
with super glue? Well, yes, there is the disadvantage that
you might want to breathe through nasal openings? You'd need
to avoid blocking them up!
Rubbing his protruding belly, Dr Neferbath considers yet another
thought. Show business. With a nose like that, you can turn
over a mint. The Doctor is thinking you'll be needing to hire
out a manager, eh?