Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath, Do you have any remedies for vampires that don't include stakes through the heart, silver bullets, crosses, holy water or garlic? I don't want to slaughter them, just ... heal them. Any suggestions? ~~ Celeste, Owner of the Moulin Rouge (that draws WAY too much Night Life)

A: Wrapping his mind around the concept of making the Undead Alive rather than making the Undead Dead, Dr. Inkompotep Neferbath wonders if such a reversal is completely possible, but with silver bullet in his teeth (in case his ideas do not succeed), he gets down to work.

He considers the possibility of blood transfusions from donors who are a complete match. Most vampires tend not to bloodtype their victims before sucking down the red stuff, a fact which will keep any self respecting heart from beating again. With the right Right (bloody) Stuff, and a good expert at CPR, it should be possible to get the vampire's old ticker moving properly again. After all, vampires don't decay, as a general rule.

He also thinks tricking them by arranging for a full solar eclipse will re-arrange their night schedule enough that, along with a good wallop of sun tan lotion, they will lose their pallor and regain something of a status amongst the Living. If they survive this, they may well even pretend to be Living instead of Undead, which will be at least one step onto the direction you seek.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath: how can a broken funny bone be healed? ~~ Menefertaten Hatshepsut

A: Dr. Neferbath encourages one to hie themselves off to the Comedy Club, Gobbiez Wurld, Social Zocalo, Kingdom of Kiddistan, or other places of humorous mayhem.

A broken funny bone is a serious problem. It is the one ailment that is highly dangerous to the people around the person who has a seriously-injured funny bone. It can also be contagious, painfully so. Prompt attention must be dealt to a person in such extremes of disfunction. Different cures are required for different people. Banana peels work for some. Others need intravenous infusions of George Carlin. If nothing appears to work, isolation of the person impaired by an injured funny bone is often the only means of keeping nearby people at a decent level of sanity and functionality.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath: What would you recommend to pack in a first aid kit for a trip to England? Thanx *S*~~ Princess Djut

A: Well, unless you really like blood sausage, Dr. Neferbath recommends you bring your own food with you. Nothing like the nutritional values of your own food to keep you in preventative medicine, or at least wanting to eat, he always says!

A lot will depend on which time period you intend to visit Jolly England in. During the period around 1066 AD, bandages and sutures will make you the hit of friends and enemies alike. If you intend to wed King Henry VIII, a Tyvec neckguard may be in order.

And, a good stomach pump is an essential accessory for anyone who does have to face down a blood sausage in full battle-cry.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath: As The Grim Reaper and candidate for Guvernor of Gobbiewood I was wondering: Why does the music world lose greats like Johnny Cash, Warren Zevon, & Stevie Ray Vaughan, while people the world would be much better off without just go on & on like the Energizer Bunny? Couldn't someone force-feed Britney some Quarter-Pounders with cheese, move Yoko Ono next to Chernobyl, and get Eminem on a helicopter on a foggy morning? ~~ Poditor OssoDrastor

A: Dr. Neferbath considers this one for a moment, and recollects that Billy Joel put it well: "Only the Good Die Young". Never mind that Mr. Cash was in his seventies; he was young in the current century. This means, alas, many many more years of Britney. The doctor is loath to be a bearer of such bad news, but bear it to you he must. Your only options are to live in a distant cave, or to have your eardrums surgically removed.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath: My shoulder hurts ~ I'm having trouble lifting my sword, and I am an Immortal. Any remedies, besides letting them take my head? ~~ Korannis of Scythia

A: Dr. Neferbath considers that if you are an immortal, it should not matter much if they take your head. Perhaps you can arrange for your head to be taken by the sort of people who took Bran's head, and marched along with it into war. From all accounts, it was a jolly fine head, given to telling the Irish caretakers stories and whatnot. If they do take your head, he recommends you be either jolly or informative, so that they don't just leave you, leg-less, at the side of some boring dump or other.

On the other hand (which you won't have if they cut off your head), the kindly doctor recognizes that having no head means that you need to rely on the brains of others -- a dicey proposition in the best of times; and that having no body and just a head means you have to rely on others to carry you around. Dr. Neferbath just simply hates when that happens!

So, after grave thought, he has come to the conclusion that you need to fix your shoulder. Or, at the very least, get yourself a lighter sword. If you are in the midst of battle as you ask me this question, he can't do much for you but give you the name of his lawyer. Or to wish for you to become ambidextrous very quickly. However, if the battle is not yet joined, running the other direction is excellent for one's health. A plastic support scaffolding for your upper arm will also help you raise your sword. He's also heard tell of wonders obtained from the ingestion of Viagra. You'll raise your sword, all right!