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Triple A Advice from Triple A Jones
Dearest Agatha, Is is possible for a girl to ever shed a soiled reputation? Although I was not blessed with good looks, I was raised a refined social butterfly and the world at large erroneously has me consorting with all manner of hooligans, robbing banks and stages, and shooting people for no good reason. The whole thing is quite a sordid affair. By the by, you wouldn't happen to know anything about mules would you? Ours keeps eating all the turnips out of the garden and kicking over the still to get at the moonshine. There is nothing more pathetic than a drunk mule. Well, except for maybe the potential partakers who missed out! Waiting with baited breath for your reply, Miss Belle Starr
Dear Miss Starr, It is very difficult, once you have lost your reputation, to ever regain it. You know how people will talk, and how long they will talk. One solution is to move far away from anyone who knows you, and even that may not be enough, as others of your community may eventually move as well and you will run into them and their wagging tongues again. In your new home you must establish yourself as a veritable pillar of virtue. Become known as a quiet church-going lady, one who tends to the sick and needy, aids poor orphans. Keep your mouth firmly shut and a pious smile upon your face. This way when your past does catch up with you, as these things are wont to do, perhaps no one will believe the slurs on your now seemingly unblemished character. Do leave that moonshining operation behind you too. In your new life you won't be needing a still.
Now about that mule. Don't you have a fencepost and a rope?
Tau'ri Jones: You have the look of a well experienced Woman of the Universe. So for this once I will not use you in an experiment and instead talk to you Sytem Lord to Tau'ri. I have been accused of being Blunt, Violent, Tempermental and having no sense of Humor. I've also been told My Idea's of how to set up Mutual Destruction Pact's with other Sytem Lords... Is well let us say unacceptable as I will not bend my will to fit Their Needs or Wants. So How do I compromise with the other Lords and still keep all MY Hard won Territorys and My Life? Sytem Lord Nirrti
Dear Nirrti, Now that's very kind of you not to plan on using me in an experiment. I don't know how you'd manage that anyway. I'm certainly not going to volunteer for such a thing. I remember once when some company offered to pay my Cousin Ida to try some new drug they were pushing. She got sick as a dog, and was laid up for weeks!
But on to your problem. I'm not altogether sure what a System Lord is or what one does, but in any working relationship, all parties must sometimes compromise in small things to achieve their greater goals. The trick is to allow them to think you're playing along with them and then come at them from the other side. This works very well with mules, and there are a lot of people who aren't much smarter.
Mistress Jones: Salve, *bows heads with hands in front of heart* I am Kasandora, newly purchased by the Magistrate of Pompeii. Well, he is has recently been appointed Dictator of Pompeii and its surrounding areas by the Emperor Vespasius. Now, understand that the Dictator did save me from a most horrible fate. When I was brought here from my previous master Yurochka ( he lost everything during a drought and had to sell me ...sniffle). Upon landing at the dock I realized that I was going to be sold to the High Priest to satisfy the grumbling god Vesuvius. Well, though a grand honor to thus chosen, in the moment lost my thought a RAN...thereby finding myself at m'lord Romulus' feet. Upon hearing my plight he decided to purchase me. Well, I know I must consider myself most forunate. However, since I have been his talking instrumentum. He deems it necessary to dress me in the most ...um....revealing attire, especially at his banquets. So, *bows head* Mistress how might I convince him that this humble servant needs more then just a belt and a few very short jeweled chains to walk about in? AH, the chains are loose and dangles freely thus moving when I walk. Waiting humbly and am most eager to partake of your wisdom. Kasandora
Dear Kasandora, To begin with, your use of the word "purchased" has me worried. I thought all that buying and selling of people got solved some time ago, but maybe I've misunderstood you. I haven't ever been to Pompeii, but then I don't travel much any more. At least you're not tangled up with that priest. Priests are not always what they seem. However, neither are magistrates. Government officials are sneaky people, and it's well to avoid them if you can.
The nakedness though is another matter all together. Do you not have a bed? With linens on it? Drape yourself in them and tie those jeweled chains around you to hold it all closed. If your magistrate complains, tell him that you suffer from the cold and that if you are not allowed to keep warm, you will sicken and quite possibly die. It's unlikely that this man will want to lose his investment in you.
Dear Agatha, The kindly Doctor Neferbath has a problem. He realizes his personal habits are a bit, shall we say, foul? But he had discerned that disease seems to shun him, perhaps it cannot get close enough to harm him. So please do not insist he bathe, he's hydrophobic. His main concern is finding a fine young Egyptian nebet to come live with him. Do you have suggestions for dating and keeping a good woman? The good Doctor earns a decent wage at his chosen calling. Yours, Inkompotep Neferbath
My Dear Doctor, You are right in surmising that your failure to attract the young ladies is due to your peculiar, shall we say, odor. I would have suggested hot water, but since you say that won't do for you, you must find yourself a woman who shares your loathing of soap and water. Or perhaps in your line of work, you could find one whose nose has been injured, or better yet, removed altogether? Then you can nurse her back to health, except for her sense of smell of course, and she will fall in love with your bedside manner. I trust you do have a pleasing bedside manner?
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