Triple A Advice from Triple A Jones
Dear Agatha, *grins and bares fangs* I just discovered your column, and since I am in need of advice, I am considering not sucking your blood. The thing is, about five hundred years ago I banished my daemon lover into a different plane of existence. Then I turned my back for a few centuries, and lo and behold, our son raised her again, and she has convinced him to challenge my kingship over my clan - not to mention changed the rules of her existence so she can't be banished again. I have already declared war on them, but they just won't die. What can I do to stop my son from being such a mammas boy? Yours in anticipation, Mordryd Le Feye
Dear Mordryd, I am relieved that you won't be coming around to suck my blood. We old ladies don't have all that much left as it is. But on to your problem. Children of parents who don't live together often are influenced by the custodial parent against the non-custodial parent, and it's hard to overcome years of what I can only assume have been detrimental statements by the mother about yourself. However, even adult children still crave a relationship with that parent they never got to know. I would suggest that you communicate with your son, telling how much you'd like to get to know him. Then plan some interesting father-son activities and tell him about yourself. This may encourage him to talk more openly to you. When he finds out that you're not as bad as his mother made you out to be, perhaps you will be able to end all this warfare.
Dear Agatha, I have a BIG problem - I think my so-called 'owner' (ha! that's what he thinks he is!) is trying to kill me! He keeps cackling and muttering something about 'quantum experimentation', and yesterday he tried to stuff me in a box with a vial of poisonous gas and a radioactive mineral. I've already tried showing my displeasure at this perfidious treatment by leaving decapitated mice in his bed, infesting his wardrobe with fleas and burying his cigarettes in the litter tray, but now I'm thinking stronger action is called for. Should I report him the SPCA, or do you have any better suggestions on how I can avoid becoming this week's cranky scientific experiment? Schrodingers Cat
PS. I like your wallpaper! *scritch scritch*
Dear Cat, Why, thank you! That wallpaper is old, but I still like it too. I'll continue to be able to enjoy it if you will kindly refrain from clawing it. As for that human of yours, he sounds dangerous. Somehow I don't think that anyone who fools around with poisonous gases and radioactive material will ever be upset at mice and fleas. I also don't think the SPCA is equipped to deal with this man. This sounds like a case for Homeland Security to me. I don't have their phone number at hand, but they shouldn't be too hard to find, since they're everywhere these days. I must warn you though, that this course of action may only result in your own freedom being curtailed. I suggest you pack your bags and move on. There are plenty of people who would enjoy having such a fine cat as you seem to be living with them, especially if they only paint their walls.
Do you have a problem?