Ask Aggie!
Triple A Advice from Triple A Jones
Dear Aggie, Wow, man. Your place is, like, far out. It's really groovy. I was just going past when I saw you give advice ... hey, shiny things ... what? Oh, right, yeah, I need some advice, man. See, a while back these little green alien dudes came to visit me at my camp, and they took off the tops of my fingers, and put little lasers in there, then put my fingers back together again. And ever since, I can't stop burning stuff. Like, my trees have holes in them, man, and I accidentally roasted my pet rabbit. He was my best friend, and now he's just ash. *wipes away tear* I've waited so long for those little alien dudes to come back, and they haven't. What should I do? This is a total downer, man. Flower Child
Dear Flower, Yes, it is right far out in the country to come to see me, and it's nice that you've made the effort in spite of the grooves in my road. Calling those ruts grooves sounds right nice. I'll have to remember that. What shiny things are you looking at there? Oh, I know! It's those aluminium pie plates on my fruit trees. Those are to keep the birds off my fruit, you know. But on to your problems.
So, you're seeing little green men, are you? My cousin-in-law had that problem, but once his wife had him locked up in the detox ward he never saw them again. Of course, he was never quite right after that, what with his hands shaking so bad he couldn't do anything but sit and fiddle with the TV remote. It was really awful trying to watch a show with him.
What you need to do is to stop drinking, or whatever you're doing, and go on an apple diet to purge your system of all the poisons. I'll even give you a bushel to start you off. When you sober up, you'll find that your imagination doesn't run quite so far away with you, and once you're aware of what you're doing all the time, you won't be setting your pets on fire any more either.
Hey you! Come back here! Stay away from my rabbit hutches!
Dear Ms. Jones, It is with great embarrassment that I write to you. I really need an enlightened and unbiased opinion on a very frustrating situation. I hope you can help me.
The problem is with my girlfriend of ten years. She tends to become enamored with a new and younger man about twice a year. Now, it’s not that I'm one of those possessive types; the lovers don't really bother me. It’s when she lives with them that it gets uncomfortable and embarrassing. She's currently seeing a new stag and I can see it coming.
She's beautiful, intelligent, exotic, and I know she loves me. She has a few commitment issues that I've been willing to let her work out, but, my God...how long does this sort of thing take? I'd really like to have a family before I've reached my 100th birthday.
I am from one of the most powerful magical families in the world. I'm Dean of the Salem School, (Salem Witches Academy), a pretty prestigious position in the American magical community, money isn't an issue, and I'm relatively attractive. I’m not exactly a deadbeat. I'm not bragging or anything, but neither am I remotely close to being a wether! I just don’t get it.
I've tried dating to make her jealous, but it doesn't seem to work, for her or me. Candidly, I must admit, sometimes I think the non-magical community is right in the ‘stereotype’ that most witches are just a lot of oversexed drugged out trash. It does nothing for my professional image or self-esteem to have a clinging forty year old bimbo on my arm that is constantly complaining that I'm not the rebel I used to be twenty years ago. My God, it’s hard enough to get up in the morning, let alone lead protest marches and shout equality speeches while being dragged off to jail. The strained muscles alone would keep me in agony a week! And honestly, the only thing I ever get out of that type of relationship is...well, never mind we don't need to go into that. Let’s just say it’s not worth jail time.
My question is, what do I do? I can't say I've had many successful relationships. I've thought about bewitching a nice looking woman with all the qualities I'm looking for. I have the ability to do it. I believe the Nons have a term for it....'Stefford Wives?" However, I'm finding the idea increasingly unappealing as, A- Its illegal, and B- It makes for a less than stimulating relationship.
A more attractive idea is testing the non-magical waters. I think I can get past the non magical repulsion of Witches by going to Corntown, Iowa, where people still don't believe we exist and lying about it, or maybe some trashy area where people don't care what they breed with. (Have you ever seen the play Pygmalion, by George Bernard Shaw?) The Witches wouldn't know she's a bimbo and the bimbo wouldn't know I used to be dynamic and interesting. However, by doing so, I still could be viewed as betraying by my culture, in which I'm supposed to be a leader, and I also risk the chance of producing a non-magical child.
I don’t know which is more painful, waiting for Sidi to finish with the current boy-toy and come to her senses, or dating.
So, dear Agatha, have you any advice for me? Thomas Keene, The Salem School
Dear Thomas, This woman has been dumping on you twice a year for ten years and you think she loves you? That's twenty guys on the side, that you know about! Or is it you that's on the side? Wake up! She doesn't love you. What you do is this. The next time she moves in with some other guy, you change your phone number and your locks and have done with it all.
Have you ever considered that any eligible and compatible lady may be put off by this so called girlfriend of yours? Once the word gets out that you're rid of her, you might be surprised at the opportunities for relationships that will come your way.
Lots of men think all they have to do is waggle their eyebrows invitingly and women will be bewitched by them, and that does work a lot of the time, for a while. But once reality sets in, the charm wears off and the two of you are stuck with each other. If you think the woman is a bimbo to begin with, she's only going to get worse, no matter how many elocution lessons you give her.
Don't be rushing into fatherhood either. It's a lot of responsibility, even if you do have a good job. That bimbo you're talking about is just as apt to take the kid and leave. Her lawyer will be sending a bill, a big one that will take all your salary. Bimbos are good at legal stuff. Trust me.
And I've been to Corntown, Iowa. I don't think you're going to find what you're looking for there. This time of year, any guy with a working heater in his car is a hit.
Dear Ms. Aggie, I have a friend *self-conscious cough* who has a difficult time saying "no" when friends and family ask him favors. It's gotten to the point where people expect him to always say "yes", so they've gotten used to him being so agreeable. They rarely, if ever, express their thanks. He feels unappreciated, and yet, when he's asked again to go out of his way for someone, he might hesitate only a little (while he thinks, "Why shoud I, you ungrateful %#@%?") but he always agrees. Then he feels resentful. He considers saying "no", but decides the resentment is easier to deal with than the guilt he'd feel at letting the person down. It's almost an emotional Catch 22 situation.
It's in his nature to help others, but he's feeling the stress of this more acutely now, which I think is due to him fighting his own nature. Other than being a sounding board for him, I'm at a loss as to what else I can do. Any advice you could give me to pass on to him would be greatly appreciated. Just sign me, Befuddled
Dear Befuddled, Ah yes, another person who needs to learn to say NO. I used to be like "your friend" is now. What he needs to do is to stand in front of his bathroom mirror for 10 minutes every day and practice saying NO. Watching himself saying NO in the mirror will teach him to adjust his face so his NO doesn't come over as being mean.
Then he needs to go find some of these people that keep hitting him up for favors and ask one of each of them. It wouldn't have to be anything big, just enough to see if they'll come forth. If they do, good for them. Then your friend might not feel so resentful when he does them another good turn. If they don't, then there's no need for him to feel guilty when he says the magic NO he's been practicing, is there?
Dear Miss Aggie, According to mee friends (all two of them) I is fat and hairy. I maintain I is merely furry, and well built. How can I improve mee image and convince em all that I am sexy and devastating? Howlin Disaster
Dear Disaster, You don't need to be convincing your two current friends that you're a highly desirable creature. You need to get yourself some new friends who will appreciate your finer qualities. Of course, if you're really too fat and hairy, you could always eat less and buy a razor. So get out, make the rounds, buy everyone a drink. You know what they always say. There's someone for everyone!
Do you have a problem?
Ask Aggie!
