Ask Aggie - Triple A Advice from Triple A Jones

Dear Mrs. Jones - I seem to be having a problem. It seems wherever I go the police are after me. Now mind you I am not complaining, you know how those men just look sexy in a uniform, but I mean its really getting ridiculous. I mean you shoot one person and they don't let you forget it. Its not like he didn't have it coming. I mean he was impersonating a FBI agent and he was working for my greatest enemy. He really did have it coming. It was getting so ridiculous I had to leave America and fly to Monaco! Geesh!

But that’s not all. I owe this guy a huge favor and now he is calling it in. See I am quite the thief and I told him anything he needed, I would help him out. Although he doesn't want me to steal something, unless you call killing someone stealing. It seems this chick "accidentally" killed her ex-boyfriend (I say more power to her, you know what I am saying?), who just happened to work for my friend. Now I have to work with this moron named Moore and take her out, only problem is she has an ex-cop or something protecting her, now I am on a wild goose chase in a French Hospital looking out for my life and hers! What’s a girl to do?

But no...no...that’s not all! There’s also my organization and business in America I have to run and keep out of the hands of my arch-nemesis Fredrick. But unfortunately I am in Monaco taking care of this other little problem. How does a girl run an anti-government organization and a Design company, and finish a "contract" on someone's life? Please HELP, I need some body. The Trigger Happy Russian

Dear Trigger Happy, Young lady! Your life is entirely too complicated and dangerous! All of your problems could easily be resolved by settling down to some nice job in an office, or perhaps you could enroll in nursing training, since you seem to be so attracted to hospitals. It's bad enough when men get tangled up in these things, but no proper lady would ever allow herself to become involved with something so sordid as theft and murder. It's high time you were earning an honest living! Your so called friends don't sound very friendly to me. I'm sure you could find a nicer man out there somewhere, if you think you must have one. If you don't watch out, you're going to land in jail - or worse! Change your ways now, before it's too late

Dear Mrs. Jones, I have recently gotten into the venture of running for a political office, but I have run into a problem. It seems that one of my fellow candidates is insisting on lying. I certainly do not want to lie, but I also most certainly do not want to be shown in bad lighting by whining about him/her. But of course I don't want to be in the dark either. Oh, and sunlight is too much for my fair skin.... Mrs. Jones, what should I do? Sincerely, A Confused Candidate

Dear Confused, Haven't you ever heard the old saying that all's fair in love and war...or politics? Maybe you don't have to lie though. Everyone's got a skeleton in their closet, all you have to do is find your opponent's pile of bones, Then you just need to get someone else to put it on public display, and say you knew nothing about it. That's the way these things are done, you know. As far as your skin problem, I keep seeing ads for sunblock creams on the television. That might help.

Dear AAA Lady, I's gots a problem!! I'm a teeny weeny flitterfly with a big job! Buts my problem is, I'm only three inches tall and lots a big people don't notice me! And I dunno if'n you've ever almost been squooshed by size eleventeen feet, but they's would make me flatter than a smooshed bug! An' it's not like I don't try either; I can be LOUD fer such a little flitterfly, but people must be thinkin' them voices is in their head cause'n they's just don't listen!! What kin I do to gets people ta notice me?? Thanks, AAA Lady! Flitterin' Damselfly

Dear Flitterin', You have so many problems here, it's hard to know where to start. To begin with, if you didn't put yourself where those outsized feet could step on you, life would not be nearly so dangerous for you. Stick to leaves above ground level and you will be much safer, and a-liver. But to get people to pay attention to you? That's more difficult. If it was me, I'd go down to my local hardware store and get some of that reflective tape - you know - the kind those joggers use? Nobody can miss that, especially at night. And maybe get a whistle too, while you're at it.

Dear Ms. AAA Jones, I am First Consort to a Mer-King, whose half sister just gave birth to a merbabe. What with taking over the kingdom and all, none of us had time to throw her a baby shower. Is it too late? Or can we have a baby shower? (She's not married to the father, does that make a difference?) And what kind of present does one give a former outcast, half sister to a King, who just had a mer babe out of wedlock? Naia, First Consort to King Gabrial

Dear Naia, Of course you can have a baby shower! It's never too late for a baby shower - well, not as long as the baby still is a baby. It seems to me that you are worrying about all the wrong things. It's not the child's fault that ~~it's a ba~~ things are not socially acceptable, and the shower is not for the mother, you know, it's for the baby! Perhaps a merbaby would really like some sort of dangly colorful objects that would catch the reflection of the sunlight in the water.

To the Fabulous Ms. AAA Jones, Being a former child television star is so tough! Sure my father being a network executive had something to do with my breaking into the business, but I wouldn't have made it if I wasn't super talented! I've been in all kinds of specials; In the Snarls M. Putz's "Peebuts" specials, I was the voice of Snarly Frown's sister Silly, and I was a regular on "Mr. Robber's Neighborhood" and "Family Lies". But now that I'm older, no one wants to take me seriously! What can I do to break out of this child image, and get my career going again?? Scintilatingly yours, Jewel Ree

Dear Jewel Ree, So that was you?! Really?! I've always loved those Snarly Frown shows on the television! Why, Homer used to always make fun of me when I cried every year at the Christmas one but, oh, never mind. What you need is a complete makeover. I hear there are beauty parlors in the city do those things. With that and a new wardrobe, you'll be on top again in no time. It might be helpful too, to aquire a more grown-up way of speaking. Voice lessons could help you with that. I heard there was this man in England, Higgins somebody or another, who was awfully good at teaching young ladies to speak properly. His method uses Spanish rains and plains, though I've never quite understood how that would work. I'm sure with your connections you can find him.

And how perfectly kind of you to say I am fabulous!

Return to the Front Page