Selek
by Commander William T. Riker
Riker: Well, Selek, it looks like I've been rounded up to interview you- let's just chalk it up to my mandatory community service after the whole Pegasus fiasco. *sigh* So here are your questions- try to be a gentleman- I realize that's extremely difficult for a Romulan.
Selek: I was shocked to hear you were also involved in the Federation propaganda team, but then reading some of what some of you write, I realize I shouldn’t be. But I will however play your game for the fans of the Romulan Empire. *EG*
Riker: *ignoring comment about his writing to avoid an intergalactic incident* It's been stated here at Pan (by a highly skilled Betazoid counselor, no less) that you may have a case of Romulan "Little Man" syndrome. I just took a look at your home and you do seem to drive a rather large war bird around. Care to defend the claim or shall we just skip to the next question?
Selek: Ah yes, our dear Counselor Troi and her comments. You need to realize that she was just traumatized by a renegade Romulan scientist and she is slightly confused when discussing anything to do with a Romulan or the Romulan Empire. She seems to have focused her anger on to me even though it was I who punished the renegade scientist and was on the team which helped cure her impending madness. You see Betazoids are as sensitive about having breakdowns as Vulcans are about showing emotions. I am sad to say she experienced more than one breakdown and it makes her feel better to degrade someone who traveled a great distance to help her.
Riker: So why don't Romulans grow facial hair? I mean, I know you're jealous of my beard and the fact that I get all the ladies around here, but seriously- why can't you guys grow beards?
Selek: Facial hair is grown on species that originated from primates, or ape like creatures to simply put it. Romulans and other species even within the Federation happened to evolve for higher forms of beings, not to look down or insult other species. If you are asking if I am jealous, absolutely not. I find facial hair disgusting, dirty, and very barbaric. Present company excluded of course. *S* NOT!
Riker: *rolls eyes* Who would you rather face in a bar fight? A Klingon who's had a bad day or a Borg bent on assimilating you?
Selek: Well I am not really one to go to a bar and if I do, well it will be of a quality establishment which does not allow pets and mechanical half breeds in them. Sadly I must admit I have had the experience of engaging both in battle and I have come out on top. I still have the head of the Borg who attempted to assimilate me as a trophy- done by one of Romulus’ finest taxidermist. I also had the head of the Klingon but they smell more dead than alive, believe it or not.
Riker: Let's say the universe had just imploded and only one planet is left. You just happen to be on it and you get to pick the one person that is also going to have escaped annihilation. Who do you pick- Lwaxana Troi, Q, or Quark?
Selek: I would have to pick Q for a few reasons. One, I would have an intelligent conversation with someone of equal intelligence if not, *clears throat* slightly more intelligent. Two, he could provide me with a warbird and or a mate of impeccable Romulan taste.
Riker: On a more serious note, it appears that you've recently witnessed a pretty major disaster over at Star Trek: Beyond Star's Reach. Care to elaborate?
Selek: Oh yes, just recently in a surprise attack we discovered that two races have teamed up on a quest to conquer the Romulan Empire and the United Federation of Planets. Once again we must work together to preserve our cultures and way of life. Starfleet has taken this very seriously and has sent two of their finest Captains and starships to work directly with me and the Praetor. Alone we will both lose, but together I am confident we will be successful. This could prelude to a treaty of historic proportions if all works out well between the Federation and the Romulan Star Empire.
Riker: Anything else you'd care to add? (And watch it or I'll sick Worf after you!)
Selak: I am sure that everyone who ignores the propaganda war launched to make the Romulan Empire looked evil will learn that we are a misunderstood species. We protect our own vigorously and for that we and spoken ill about. I would like to thank all of you who are interested in the Empire and if you have any questions, please feel free to send me a subspace message.
Oh and Riker, don’t threaten to sick your dog on me or you will end up going to the Federation SPCA for a new one. We all know you have an abundance of Klingons now that they are a beaten down species and under Federation control. Such a shame what you have made them become over the last century, Federation puppets.
Riker: *holding Worf back to avoid a messy phaser battle* Thanks for taking the time to be
