Zany Zodiacs
Trying to keep humor in your Horoscopes!
Aries the Ram (March 21-April 20 )-It's the Season of the Ram! Ok, ok, it's also the Season of the Easter Bunny, but this doesn't mean you can't be wild and woolly! Not one to quibble, single malt or a good whiskey is your choice of drink, with the occasional foray into daiquiris and Sour Apple Pucker. Not to mention Creme de Cocao....and all the interesting things you can do with it! Ladies, wallow in your Ramness! Guys, wallow in your Eweness...and remember...don't be lambs to the slaughter! Stand up and fight for your beliefs and what you sow, you shall surely reap. Stars born in March: William Shatner ( March 22), Leonard Nimoy ( March 26), and Lucy Lawless - who shares a birthday with Moi !- (March 29).
Taurus the Bull (April 21-May 20 )- Hey, bullish Taurus! Keep those horns away from other's tender flesh. Yes, you're feeling a bit on edge right now, but really, it's not worth running your little hoofies to the quick! Kick up your heels and have some fun, but don't put your reputation at stake- it's hard enough to maneuver without that ring in your nose! Speaking of which, be careful who you hand that attached chain to- it might get ripped out, along with your heart. But never fear- everything heals with time...and a good roll in the hay!
Gemini the Twins (May 21-June 20)- Take a double shot of Starbuck's Espresso, Gemini! Get going on that project you've been putting off; it could be something special. You might also try double teaming that love interest you have. Jog their interest with a gift or a running gag...like those cross-trainer shoes you bought just before Christmas! It's time for a change, and you can make it!
Cancer, the Crab (June 21- July 20)- Don't be so crabby, Cancer! That hard shell is no match for a good boot to the head. Better to use what gifts you've got, rather than scuttling around trying to be "normal". That's not the way to go- oh, no! You're unique, able to walk sideways and chew gum, too! Hook it up with brains and good sense, and you've got a good thing going. So get out of that pan and into that creative fire!
Leo the Lion ( July 21- Aug.20)-Time to quit snarling about your paycheck, and start learning to celebrate being alive, Leo! Do something outrageous. Buy a Hybrid, or lay down with that sexy Aries you've had your eye on! But keep those claws in- your tendency to rip things asunder could have a negative effect on those with tender sensibilities. Rejoice and enjoy- you might just be surprised in a good way!
Virgo the Virgin ( Aug. 21-Sept. 20)-Okay, Virgos, it's time to make a change. Start recycling- soda cans, plastics, old clothes, maybe even a wayward friend or two. You know you can- use that penchant for turning over a new leaf, and make a plan. Let everyone know you're not going to be like a rug on the floor anymore, and you'll garner the blooms of happiness. Then take the friends who remain out to dinner- they deserve it!
Libra the Scales (Sept. 21-Oct. 20 )-Teeter-tottering about those "issues" isn't going to help you, Libra. You have to settle on one thing or another, and let nature take it's course. But cheer up! Nature might prove to be a beneficent Being, and let you have your cake and eat it too. But decisions must be made first-and only you can make them. Maybe a sacrificial drink to St. Patrick will help....or, after many of those, a different kind of sacrifice to the porcelain gods may bring about a more distinctive clarity.
Scorpio the Scorpion ( Oct. 21-Nov. 20 )- "If I am a scorpion, best beware my sting!" is not the way to deal with your present situation, Scorpio. All that whipped cream can't be eaten in one go. Having said that, you are a survivor. You will deal with whatever comes your way, be it disappointment or global warming. Hiding from the light is something you'd like to use to your advantage, but remember, the cockroach has that same trait. It's a quandary, but don't worry. It's nothing that a judicial application of money won't help.
Sagittarius the Archer (Nov. 21-Dec. 20 )-Don't be aiming that arrow at any nearby targets, Sagittarius! Those who are closest to you aren't really as dumb as they seem, and they know the rest of the story. Rather, point and fire at what you might perceive as the inconvenient truth, which, of course, is not the facts at all. If you remember that everything is a cycle, and everything comes back around in time, you'll be able to separate the chaff from the wheat, and make some pretty fine beer!
Capricorn the Goat ( Dec. 21- Jan. 20 )-Temper that goatly stubbornness with your human reasoning, Caps! Eating up everything in sight is not the answer. The same goes for information. Don't believe everything you hear, and even less of what you see. Don't get caught up with the panicking herd! Do your own research, and make your own decisions. Then settle back, and savor that Appletini with gusto!
Aquarius the Waterbearer ( Jan. 21- Feb. 20 )-Ah, Aquarius! Feeling a bit chilly? Had enough of chipping the ice off your water jug in the morning? Fact is, it's only going to get colder until you apologize, so take precautions, Water Bearer! Stock up on the essentials: chocolates, champagne, matches and Presto logs to heat up that faux-bearskin rug in front of the fireplace. Some honey might do the trick, too! And don't forget the kneepads- it makes begging for forgiveness a lot more comfy...
Pisces the Fish ( Feb 21- Mar. 20 )-Pisces, your nature keeps you in two minds about the truth and the facts. Go with facts-for everyone has his own truth. Remember what Obi-Wan said about Vader killing Luke's father? " It's true... from a certain point of view." Do your best to minimize the trash, and maximize the good stuff, and you'll be happier for it. Don't worry yourself to death over things you can't stop. Count on the fact that, barring the earth's atmosphere being totally blown away, Gaia will survive. Of course, man may not, but that's alright. No species lives forever, right, Pisces? But then, does that really matter to a pair of talented fish?
These zodiacs are intended for entertainment purposes only.No charts or astology was used in the making of them, and they're purely intended to make you laugh!
