Ask Doctor Neferbath
Green Things…
by Inkompotep Neferbath
doctor branches out into the field of Environmental Engineering, along with
his standard practice of Environmental Medicine. If you look at the blogs, you
will notice Inkie has a blogcolumn for handymen work around his mudbrick abode.
This issue he manages to snag questions from various entities better left mostly
nameless, as he ran out of time to do it via the usual cohesive means.
Q:
Hey doc, how can I best become green?
~~Orange.
A:
REM
recorded an album called Green, and the album cover was orange. Inkie thinks this is a perfectly acceptable thing to do. Failing that, go paint yourself green; the Doctor recommends the VOC-free varieties. Or, just eat plenty of asparagus in your daily diet.
Q:
Doc,
could you give me the low-down on solar energy? Can I use it to power my vehicle from hell?
~~ Offroads ATV Wheelie Maniac.
A:
Solar energy comes from the sun. Unfortunately, the sun itself needs to be recharged on a frequent basis. That's why we burn oil. See, there's this big switch that goes back up into the sky and at night (or whenever you stop running your woods-hog) you just plug it into this big switchplate in the ground, and it sucks up any and all oil from your ATV, sending it to Bagdad, Carribean Sea oil rigs, and that untouchable place up in Alaska everyone wants to pump dry. In the morning, or whenever it is you get up, the sun shines on your ATV, and it powers right up. Yes, you pollute a little with this setup, but Inkie thinks that this is the wave of the future, and can be adapted to regular cars, too.
Q:
Inkie,
how do you personally live the environmental lifestyle?
~~ Enquirin' Minds Just Gotta Know.
A:
The good Doctor Neferbath ponders this question awhile. He is not ever comfortable with personal, prying eyes, mind you. Some aspects of life are just best kept in the dark. However, in the interests of full disclosure, he notes his water bill and useage is extremely low. Don't bathe. Don't wash. Don't clean. His footprint of H20 usage is miniscule. (Once in a while he drinks the stuff.) Detergents are high in pollutants; Inkie doesn' t use these either. Well, that's about it. At least you know Inkie is doing his part to keep the environment the environment.
Q:
I got this persistant rash. I think it's environmentally caused.
~~ Claustophobic Shut-In.
A:
And it probably is. . There are a lot of people who (like our good Doctor, but for other reasons), shy away from aftershaves, perfumes, deoderants, and other scented products. The Doctor recommends you take up a lifestyle like his. People were meant to smell rank. Think back to the Middle Ages. They were the transistion point between open sewers and open lives. People just didn't get environmental rashes before then.
Q:
What do you recommend for a Whole-Planet diet?
~~ Carbs, Fats, Meats, Cooked, Processed = All Evil.
A:
Inkie may be a slob, but he's not a fat slob. Well, yet. He'll admit to a little belly Inkie imprinted on the diet of Ancient Egypt, and so swills in an environment of roasted ibex, barley beer, Nile perch, sand-encrusted wheat and bread, onions, and odd rodent droppings. When he ventures from Ancient Egypt, he eats chocolate mousse, bluefin tuna, Chilean sea bass, and Siberian tiger. Hey, he says, you may as well try these things before they are gone for good! Anyhow, he notes that it is exceedingly irresponsible to try to eat the Whole Planet. Although he does have a few good heartburn remedies to share, if you try this.
Q:
Hey, what's this global warming crud? Today was twice as cold as yesterday or last year, or whenever I last looked. Besides, if it's getting warmer, won't I be able to enjoy the season of spring more?
~~ What Climate Change?
A: Inkie is looking forward to global warming, himself. .He would love never to have to shovel his driveway again, or slip on a patch of ice. He's already preparing future medical columns to deal with Lymes spreading northwards, and malaria spreading northwards. Increases his patient population base, it does. Given time, he may come up with other advantages, but right now he's going outside to build his sun-worshipping hammock and hope for the best. A good tequila sunrise on the side won't be amiss.
~
I'm not a medical doctor, I just play one on PanHistoria.
Column for amusement purposes only. Do not try this at home. Void where prohibited.
Dr. Inkompotep Neferbath is a physician living in the soft sandy underbelly of Ancient Egypt, performing root canals and eye extractions with abandon, and boiling books to extract their wisdom. This appears to be the thirteenth column, and a good time to stop. The kindly doctor is considering a future career as a political lobbyist.
