Trying to keep humor in your Horoscopes!
Aries the Ram (March 21-April 20 )-Aries, don't be such a lamb. Quit letting your friends take your place-no matter how much they like it! Take life by the horns! You need to have some fun too, and it's hard if you keep advancing to the rear. And stay away from the lime jello! It'd be just your luck someone would think you're the Chicken Heart That Ate Up New York City...
Taurus the Bull (April 21-May 20 )- Well, Tauruses...no one can call you bullheaded. No,wait-- they can! That certain subject you've been unwilling to face just hit you in the butt with it's own set of horns. Turn around and face the problem. Use a knife and a fork if you have to, because it's going to be a large meal- not a single, little crow- that you'll be eating if you don't.
Gemini the Twins (May 21-June 20)- Four fisted Geminis, there's no two ways about it- you're going to have to stand on your own- especially after guzzling all the Kahlua! Be careful, Gemini.Your schitz...um... duality... is about to get you in deep trouble. Again. How many times have we told you, you can't have your cake and eat it too? Or can you?
Cancer, the Crab (June 21- July 20)- Ok, Cancers, that tough, outer shell is no longer holy ground, and you're not a turtle, you're a CRAB! Get out there and celebrate! Party! Get down! It could be said that there is a good reason the symbol for Cancer resembles 69, and also that crabs are delicious...but let's not go there. Instead, tell your friends they owe you a night out, for all the times you covered their butts, and nothing but the best will do! Of course, it's then you'll find out who really are your friends, because they'll be the ones laughing, on the floor, hilariously...
Leo the Lion ( July 21- Aug.20)-Sharpen that roar- and the claws, Leos. Someone's looking to shout you down, and they're trying to use a bullhorn. You can prevent the problems by showing them just what you are: a huge,ticked off kitty with a bad hair job, in need of a good manicure, and no sense of humor. Show them your very big, very white teeth.Then dare them to step close!
Virgo the Virgin ( Aug. 21-Sept. 20)-Virgos! Time to show it off! No, no not that! I mean, show them you're not all silk and satin. Show them a little leather and lace. Attitude. Moxy. Hutzpah. You know what I mean! Get out there, kick butt and take names. And don't forget to brush your teeth!
Libra the Scales (Sept. 21-Oct. 20 )-Hey, Libras! Feeling a bit one-dimensional? Like you're listing to one side? Time to break out of that whole doldrum thing, and stand up straight and tall. Ok, just stand up....now, look forward in time and cringe. See that tangled pile there? Yes, that's you, if you don't move to the other side of the scales. Trust me, everyone will be so happy for you, they help you on your way...
Scorpio the Scorpion ( Oct. 21-Nov. 20 )- Scorpios! Put that thing away, or you're going to get yourself into big trouble. No one likes to get stung- ok, maybe some of your odd friends like it, but no one else does!- and you've been in fine form with that stinger for too long. Lighten up! C'mon...that's it...there's something happy waiting for you if you just reach out with those cute little claws and haul it in. Just be careful where you reach out to...
Sagittarius the Archer (Nov. 21-Dec. 20 )-Wow, Sagittarius, you're shooting right on target, aren't you? Everything seems to be going your way, and curiously, it is. Swish that tail with alacrity! Prance along all you want! But do remember the adage:" If you love something let it go.If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, hunt it down and torture it!" Words to aspire to, yes, indeed....
Capricorn the Goat ( Dec. 21- Jan. 20 )-Well, well, well, Capricorn! Time to ante up. Ready for a challenge? That 'tude' of yours has got to go, or someone is going to eat you up- and not in the good way. You're no longer number one in Disneyland, and even Tinkerbell- the Goddess of Sass- is holding her nose when you walk by. Take some time, chill out with some close friends, and get your inner kid under control. Maybe give it a good spanking. C'mon ! You know you'd love it!
Aquarius the Waterbearer ( Jan. 21- Feb. 20 )-Ah, Aquarius! Everything is absolutely gushing! Ok, I had to say that...but it's true. There's so many things floating around, and you're not sure which one to reach out and grab. Better make it quick, whatever you choose, because it's about to float on by if you don't. I suggest the raft- it makes floating so much more enjoyable.
Pisces the Fish ( Feb 21- Mar. 20 )-Pisces!! You're hooked! Don't squirm, now! Don't deny it, you're being drawn into something you love to do. Don't worry, there's lots of folks who are on the same hook. and they're all happy about it too! You're out of the pond, and into the Pan--- Panhistoria, that is! Congratulations!!
Zany Zodiacs intended for entertainment purposes only!