An Interview with Tiny Tank by Alexei Nikolaevich

Alexei: What kind of cookies will you leave for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve?

Tiny Tank: We in the Cratchit household adhere to Father Christmas more than Santa, but being rich of spirit but poor of pocket, we may well boast of the finest gin punch, and the size and tenderness of our goose… even brag on about the pudding singing in the copper… for we are like that…. at least amongst ourselves… but we simply do not have the resources to be leaving out perfectly good cookies for wayward wandering spirits. Perhaps when Peter is properly place at 3 and 6 a week we will then leave a little something out.

Alexei: Sounds good! Especially the singing... do you have favourite Christmas carols?

Tiny Tank: I always liked Carol Brady in a Very Brady Christmas *ha ha ha* but seriously… we of the Cratchit household are very big on Church… as I think that it is good for people to remember just what the day is all about… how the Saviour came and hung out with the sick, and the undesirable elements of society like bankers, and lawyers, and dentists… so my fave Carol is of course Silent Night… though that one that is new fangled… A Stray in the Manger is pretty too.

Alexei: 'A Stray in the Manger'? I've never had the pleasure of hearing that one.... is it anything like the carol I know?

Tiny Tank: Hey, we Cratchits is illiterate. *S* They didn't send us kids to school you know... when not huddled around the fireplace we were sent out to make our meager earnings... myself, I have a big future in the begging trade. *LOL*

Alexei: In that spirit - what would you like to find under the tree this year?

Tiny Tank: I always fancied a sailing ship… and have whiled away the hours being “good as gold” staring into the local shop windows at the various models... kind of imagining that I could be a Privateer working for the Queen… but old Vicki ain’t like the Virgin Bess… and piracy is sort of not in vogue these days… but I still like sailing ships. Unfortunately they also have that hideous laughing clown automaton there… so I would not be opposed to something nice like an Uzi… which might come in handy dealing with a few of the other little Cratchits come dinner time… like we are so many that they could not even give us all names… so you can imagine just how thin the soup gets… maybe old Bob there ought to leave the Missus alone huh? And the way he eyes our Martha… yeah… an Uzi would be real nice under the tree. God Bless Us Everyone... Or Else... yeppers, an Uzi would be real handy.

Alexei (a little nervously): Moving right along here... have you ever been caught under the mistletoe? Or was it you that caught someone?

Tiny Tank: Being shelved next to Oliver Twist one year we decided to switch places… sort of Prince and Pauper thing… and Oliver came over to Camden and I slipped into London for a wee bit of fun. So, like Nancy knew what she was about, right, and once you got her going there was no stopping her… mistletoe or no… if you know what I mean… though I had to skedaddle when Bill Sikes showed up… see, an Uzi would have been good there too… though Bill was also a handsome lout… and he knew which side the bread was buttered on… but Victorian modesty forbids my saying too much more on that…

Alexei (blushing somewhat): Very well... So, what one holiday tradition in your family do you look forward to most?

Tiny Tank: It is an old tradition that we less fortunate souls get carried about like the bleeding monarchy at this time of year on people’s shoulders so that we are about the crowd so that others more fortunate than ourselves may not trip over us and soils their clothing. I really like that tradition, would that it were not for but a few days of the year that I could ride other people like horses, but for all the days of the year.

Alexei: As a poor sick little fellow myself, I was often carried around like a little prince... wait a minute, I was a little prince with hemophilia, wasn't I? But anyway - in your opinion, could there possibly be anything bad about Christmas time?

Tiny Tank: The thing with Christmas time is that it leads to great expectations… and we all know that it can be the best of times and the worst of times… and that is the thing about it cause we might be doing ourselves great harm and not even know it… like ask Ebby… Mr. Scrooge to you… Christmas always haunts him like a ghost… see he wasn’t the best of dudes there, but then he got redeemed like a coupon and now no one keeps Christmas like he does… but who do they say is the miser? Like what does a man got to do to get a little respect? Yeppers… bah and humbug to them what can’t see the bright and shining new Scrooge… so yeah… because at Christmas time cold and hunger are felt most keenly… because it is at Christmas time that Ignorance and Want (nice names huh… who came up with that?) go wandering about… trust me... you don't want nothing to do with those two... so yeah, there are some negative sides to the season.

Alexei: How, indeed, we should remember the spirit of Christmas Past in the present and in the future! I would like your opinion on a Christmas tradition that has recently developed in America, known as 're-gifting.' Have you ever been given a second hand Christmas gift by anyone?

Tiny Tank: The Americas are an enigma to me as they have so much... and yet seem never satisfied. Every thing they have it seems is new… We Cratchits thrive on the secondhand gifts, be it a shirt outgrown but with good wear left in it, or a repaired copper pot or tea kettle. I know, how uppity we are in our poverty, overtly moralistic and making every one else seem crass in comparison… but don’t blame us about that because the fact is we were written to be just that… a moral example of the nobility in our poverty in stark contrast to the poverty of spirit in wealth and nobility. And then there is our Martha… what will she be offering this Christmas?… secondhand goods to be sure, but best not go there huh? *LOL*

Alexei: As I recall, Mama was very thrifty herself and taught us to be that way, too. It helped us to adapt to conditions when we had to move to Siberia like that all of a sudden.... Anyway, I have just one more question before this interview is through. Is there anyone you'd like to send a special Christmas greeting to?

Tiny Tank: Well sure… first and foremost to Ebby for being like a second father to me. Then of course to all the Cratchits cause we are just like that… sickly sweet and so irritatingly better than every one else… but you know… as an example of the good that may be found in men’s hearts I would like to wish Every one a special Christmas greeting…

God Bless Us, Everyone… or else I may have to do something about it… and I still know how to get in touch with Marley you know…

Oh come now? Who did you think sent Marley to Scrooge in the first place? *LOL*

Alexei: Many, many thanks to you, Tiny Tank, for visiting with us today. Please help yourself to some tea and cakes, and plenty of Christmas cheer. And God bless you, too!

Ever actually had a sugarplum? In Tchaikovsky's ballet The Nutcracker, I believe they grow on trees....