Zany Zodiaks

by Antoinette Picard

The world grows dark, but for Scorpios, it is a time of sanctuary, and of personal introspection....

So, Lady Scorpios...looking for your personal Orion? Stop chasing the impossible, it won't do you any good. He's flown the coup, dropped over the horizon, blown the popcicle stand...is this all Greek to you? Rather, be like Selket , an ancient Goddess from Egypt: wear a scorpion on your head, and become a Conjugal Union Goddess of huge, death-defying magnitude! Let your tail do the talkin'! That's right, learn the wonderful in and outs of witty, stinging repartee'. It will be a sure bet you'll leave a string of bodies in your wake of Babylonian proportions...


For all you male Scorpios out there, lighten up, and drop the armor! Those claws you keep tightening around your prey will only tear them to shreds eventually. And that could be a bloody mess...tasty, yes, but still...Watch your stingers, too! No, not that stinger ! I mean the other one: your temper. You have the ability to paralyze with your pointed mental acumen, however salacious you can be at times, and the results could be drastic. Or tragic. Or wildly hilarious to you if you're Dr. Gregory House. But that's beside the point. On the other hand, if you can scuttle up to a lady with a scorpion hat on her head, you might just have the luck of having the best time you've ever had! 

Think you can see the future, Sagittarius? It won't be pretty if you keep slinging those arrows of misfortune around. Instead, try stealing some of Cupid's darts, and see what fun they can do! You can do it! Your aim is true...

Lady Sagittarians, time to hoof it over to your best friend's place, and let her lean on your strength. You are no beast of burden, but your inner mental and physical powers can be of help to those without your particular visions. And some of those can be mighty, indeed. Just don't let the revelations of today become the hallucinations of tomorrow...


Male Sagittarians take heed...or coffee or tea! Use that gift of vision ( you know, the one with the Sun God robes and tiny pickles? No? Hmmm...), or enlightenment, to guide you to do what's right. You know what I'm talking about. Yes, that. Pick up the threads of the past, and apply them to the fabric of the future. Not only might you win Project Runway, but you just might also pass Go, and collect two hundred dollars...but be careful-- using your gifts for personal gain must be studied well, and the mantra spoken: " Please let me win a million dollars! Just think of the jobs I could create, by hiring a maid, a butler and a cook!" 

Being part goat, Capricorns, you can stomach almost anything. But be careful that it doesn't make you callous or cold in the months of winter and snow. Better yet... let the warmth of your heart dictate your graceful movements. Swim through life like the partial fish you are, don't flop around like a seal in distress. It could attract Orcas, and that, my friend, could be really ugly. Great for the Orca, but definitely a bad day for you.

Lady Capricorns, you're trying hard not to let your horns show, but this is a mistake. Use them to your advantage! Be steady and forthright, but not hard-headed. Dip into that deep abyss of intelligence and fortitude, and make your adversaries realize they are about to get the point...literally. Drive the advantage home, but don't deliver a coup de grace. You just might make a friend of someone who might've been a dire enemy...

Male Capricorns, take a vacation. Soon. Your drive to make things better have put really dense calluses on your knees. On real goats, they're kinda cute, but on you? Naaaah! Get up, and do something restful: lay in a swinging hammock, or go diving off the Angora Islands. Just don't go to Tennessee... fainting could be a real problem there....