~ Disclaimer ~
I'm not a medical doctor, I just play one on PanHistoria.
Column for amusement purposes only. Do not try this at home. Void where prohibited. Prohibited where void. All taxes apply. 

Q. Dear Doctor Neferbath,

Please help me. My government drugged me to make me a better soldier and now I am suffering side effects including insomnia, extreme paranoia and violent delusions. What should I do?

Yours, Lara.

PS You should probably move house after talking to me because now they're out to get you too.

A. Dear Lara: 

They've been out to get the kindly doctor Incompotep for violating sanitation laws for millennia. He's still alive, and still unsanitary. On the other hand, The Pan Historian newspaper itself may need to re-locate if your paranoias really do home true. Inkie perhaps even fears for the fate of PanHistoria itself! 

On the side, Inkie checked into P's Theory, and thinks you shouldn't feel so paranoid about Doctors. Doctors only want to help, Hypocritic Oath and all. And, re Cindi Lauper, Girls Only Wanna Have Fun, too. Everyone wants or wanna's something. And if it was the government, it had to be in the interests of the Greater Good, yes? Er.

Alright, Inkie bounces along the timeline continuum that takes him from BC Egypt (his home base), and up into yours. Ick, he suddenly decides. Inkie decides that just because you're paranoid (and it is still your underlying disease), it doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. So maybe you should avoid Doctors, except for Inkie, who is only in it to line his pockets, and will prescribe things made from dead mice rather than things from syringes. Insomnia is a side effect of paranoia, so until you find a decent if unclean doctor like Dr. Neferbath, not sleeping is a good idea. 

Violent delusions, eh? Do share. Inkie loves violent delusions, as long as they aren't against his own person. Get a pillow, and punch it to oblivion. This is a good way to shake off violent delusions. Or, you can do the Joseph Campbell thing and interpret your disturbing dreams/delusions for inner psychic peace. Share with Inkie what they are, and at the very least, Inkie will find inner peace for himself.

Q. I may not be an oil painting, Good Doctor but I do think with my face and figure I could go far...Now how do you suggest I maximise my potential?

Hopefully, Banshee

A. Dear Banshee: 

You are the spitting image of Inkie's long-lost lovely Aunt Nefertoad. Are you sure you do not have ancient Egyptian blood? Inkie can do a little "nip and tuck" over your eyelids, but after this, you're perfect, other than adding a little tone color of your choice to your skin. Inkie abjectly notes that you do not bear a body stench aroma. You can work on this by not bathing. Or not, since many in the world prefer stenchless-image idols. (File those people under SUPERFICIAL FOOLS!)

Inkie notes that you need to work on presentation so people do not flee your presence. Smile and say, "Free chocolate", whether you have any or not. Works like a charm. Inkie's Aunt Nefertoad never had any free chocolate, or even knew about it, it being a New World substance, so she was at a severe disadvantage, and landed in an unmarked grave, without mummification. Please do not follow her example. 

Q. Dear Doctor,

My roommate has medical problems that cause him to fall down a lot. This in itself is of course a problem, but what I want you to tell me is how I am supposed to get him back up when he weighs about three times as much as I do.

Lightweight Lil

A. Hydraulics, Lil. Hydraulics. Or a pulley system. Or learn jujitsu where you turn the opponent's strength/weight against himself, but apply it to lifting rather than defence or attack. 

Another option is to conduct your (and his) life on the horizontal. Adapt to circumstances, and survive, Inkie says. The hearing partner of someone with loss of hearing learns to sign. The principle is similar. 

Dr. Inkompotep Neferbath is a physician living in the soft sandy underbelly of Ancient Egypt, performing root canals and eye extractions with abandon, and boiling books to extract their wisdom. Got any extra scarab dung (beetlejuice)? Always willing to make a a trade...

Please leave him your medical questions to be answered with his personally pungent expertise in the next issue of The PanHistorian.