ASK DOCTOR NEFERBATH
Q) Dear Inkie,
I have a terrible problem. I'm drop dead gorgeous and irresistible to women. Now, you might think this doesn't sound so bad, but in fact its very disturbing when a man is trying to just kick back with a quiet cigar and run the local crime scene, and women just keep bursting in and offering to have my children. What can I possibly do?
Ferd
PS Would you prefer to be paid in explosives or women?
A) Ferd, Inkie would suggest you simply send the women over to him, they can have his children as long as they don't return them (the children, that is). Otherwise the good Doctor would decidedly need the explosives to handle that situation.
The Pungent One sees that this may not stem the flow. To cap this well, you may have to take drastic measures. He suggests a three-part process: Go to the nearest dive and start a bar fight. Allow a few teeth to be knocked out, and your proboscis to be bent. Second, adopt a high fat, high carb diet plan, and drop that gym membership. Third, invest with Dr. Neferbath in medical research towards mind-transfer technology. Inkie would gladly step into your brain and enjoy the wealth of women while you step into his.
My name is Data. I have a peculiar problem I hope you can help me with.
I am an android. My positronic brain allows me impressive computational abilities. My processing speed is 60 trillion operations per second, allowing me to perform impossible feats on missions that, in effect, save my entire ship and crew daily. However I have difficulty functioning within normal parameters in human society as I am void of emotion - a creature, if you like, of logic and reason alone.
All I really desire, Doctor, is to be more human.
Can you help me?
Regards, Data
A) That would be Dr Neferbath, Data. Although the certificate is somewhere silted over deep under the Aswan Dam in Egypt, or so he believes.
The Pungent One sometimes wonders if emotion is worth all it cracked up to be, and whether this question belongs more in "Home Improvements" than in medical, but he will tinker around and have a go at it for you.
He suggests a hippocampus transplant, or a series of hippocampus transplants into various portions of your computational circuitry. This will synthesize various hormones of mental instability, or as the psychologists like to say, emotion. You will also need surgery to create a few computational dead ends. A big part of emotion is frustration at hitting the proverbial brick wall. Perhaps for the safety of your ship and crewmates in the future, you could have installed a flip switch between your future emotional self and your ship-saving self.
The good Doctor is excited enough by this combination of medical and hardware technology that he offers to do the surgery for you, gratis. (He is currently placing an order via the Pan Historia weblink to Amazon for the book, Androids for Dummies, outlining his groundbreaking papers for the prestigious peer-reviewed journals, Science and The New England Journal of Medicine, and scheduling an appointment for you next Monday. And writing his acceptance speech for the appropriate Nobel Prize, once he decides which one this would be.)
Visit Inkompotep Neferbath's Home