INKIE'S HAMMER & SAW

by Inkompotep Neferbath




Q: Hey, Inkie… in the interests of asking something NEW, do tell me how I should go about adding a simple addition to my home? I need to have a private room away from the spouse, the kids, the bundle of dogs, the chowder of cats, and the herd of hamsters. It needs to have a lockable door from which I can quickly access the fridge and the coffee maker and the wine cabinet. It needs to have another door leading outside so I can escape the family when they jimmy the door open on the inside. Soundproofing is a plus. HELP! I need this room so I can have the opportunity to write for Pan without interruptions! ~~ Writer’s Blockhead

A: Inkie intuits that it would be cheaper to move, lock, stock, barrel, and no family, to some abandoned cabin in the woods. He fears that the Unabomber’s point of refuge is no longer available, and besides, it probably had no wi-fi for Pan Historia connectivity. So, very well, the back of your house it is.

This intrepid Handy Man suggests you build your addition in the back of the house. What your town inspectors don’t know about, they cannot tax, appraise, or charge inspection fees over. Hustle your lumber in during the dark of night, and wait until your neighbors are off at work to do the hammering, yammering and sawing that will take place during the building process. (This may well cut into your writing time, but so it goes.) Stock your home with plenty of bandaids, bandages, and morphine, as you will need them when your patience wears thin during construction. Indeed, you may want to build your coffee maker and your wine cabinet directly into your little private room, being foresighted enough to save room for the computer/laptop, and a filing cabinet for your literary masterpieces and rejection letters. You may also wish a goodly supply of books, from which you can take respite when bored or uninspired, and from which some good plagiarism can arise as required.

The actual construction of your little abode off the main abode is too lengthy to go into in the space of Inkie’s humble column, but you need at minimum a floor, three walls, at least one window and outer door, the inner door which should have a huge padlock, and a ceiling or roof. You’d probably want electrical outlets, although Inkie has lived since the ages of Ancient Egypt, for most of those centuries without such indulgence. (But, yes, he’s gotten spoiled by electricity and the Internet over the past thirteen or fourteen years.)

The most difficult part of this venture will be the cutting of a door into your original house. Inkie does wonder what your significant other and your sprouts think about this plan of yours? Will each of them, down to each hamster, desire their own private room? Inkie advises you to take this into consideration, or your house may turn into a hub of many spokes, each with its own private wine cabinet (or in the case of the children, private sugar dispensers)...

At any rate, Happy Writing at Pan Historia!! Oh, and the best soundproofing is earplugs covered over by those things jackhammer operators wear.

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