by Inkompotep Neferbath


The kindly doctor’s New Years’ Resolution is to provide a column or two for each issue of any upcoming PanHistorian editions. Alas, he planned to start with Chinese New Year, but a sense of indecency overcame him, and so he’s back.

It beats cleaning his home, or cleansing his person.

Very well, the kindly Doctor Neferbath jumps right into it.

Q: Hey, Doc, with the nights so long and the days so short, and my work schedule meaning I won’t see daylight until The Groundhog gets frightened by his shadow – if then – do you have any tricks of the trade to deal with Seasonal Affective Disorder, which truly makes me SAD? ~~ Missy the Bland

A: The doctor is always a soft touch for females named Missy, bland or otherwise. He suggests you find a new paying gig,, maybe one with night hours. The PanHistorian, for instance, can always do with new columnists and reporters, so long as you don’t try to horn in on the medical or home improvement advice departments… Other promising careers are night watchwoman, haunted house investigator, cat burglar, or assuming you reside in North America, a telecommuting position in Australia.

In the meantime, and should you desire not to manifest a career upgrade, Inkie suggests you hide all knives in your home until spring equinox, including that dull kitchen paring knife you picked up accidentally at that flea market. He also suggests that you take lengthy lunch breaks – two hours minimum is reasonable – and get outdoors. Your employer should understand. He suggests you take Vitamin D3 -- and toss it into the trash, as those pills don’t provide any immediate joyful effect. In addition, volunteer early and often to send supplies physically to other departments – and do so by hiking around your building of employment, at the pace of your choice. It is preferable not to do this on days where there is extensive external ice buildup, as you may not wish to explain the “slip and fall”. Dr. Neferbath hopes he has been of service.

Q: Dear Dr. Neferbath: My New Year’s resolution for 2014 is to drop about fifty pounds of weight. But I need advice. There are so many diet plans out there, which one do you think would suit me the best? Are there other things I should be doing? ~~ Maximus Minimus, Esq.

A: Inkie notes ruefully that “diet” is a four letter word, and he eschews swearing.

However, as the patient always has money (or he doesn’t get through the door) and thus is always right, the semi-fit physician from the Upper Nile recommends the following plans; choose wisely towards your ability, Grasshopper:

The Raw Diet: Everything eaten must be served raw, from the vegetables to the meat. Sushi needs to be raw fish served on raw rice. Tooth injuries sustained from chewing through raw coconut or un-popped popcorn help discourage further midnight snacking, and salmonella will keep one from too many game-watching meals of raw spicy chicken wings.

The Panda Diet: Bamboo , baby – bamboo! One thousand or so pandas can’t be wrong!

The Lascaux Caveman Diet: (Not to be confused with the related Chauvet Caveman Diet) consists of horse, aurochs, venison, hyena, and any similar large sized mammals. (These may be cooked at your option, and it is recommended to crack open bones for the marrow.)

The Chauvet Caveman Diet: This consists of chalk or charcoal representations of horse, bison, aurochs, venison, hyena, rhinoceri, and minotaur, and is guaranteed for rapid weight loss. Charcoal- or otherwise-painted representations of human hands are also permitted.

The Pre-Masticated Diet: This one is actually popular in cutting edge nations such as Afghanistan. Get a friend or partner or parent to pre-chew all your food for you. This will suck out all the flavor, and tenderize the meat or vegetable, so it is easy for you to consume, and tasteless enough you won’t want much more.

The Aversion Plan: Hook yourself up to an electroshock device – a neighbor teen is likely to be able to build one for you, but test it on a large pesky dog in your neighborhood first, to adjust the voltage – hook this up so that after 10 – 30 swallows (your choice varying by how fast you want to lose weight), a charge is generated. Soon, you will despise the very notion of food.

Gastric Removal: A serious step beyond Gastric Bypass, this plan will mean you will be dining on I.V. drips for the rest of your life. It is, however, effective .

Meanwhile, the Inkompotep One is eyeing that chocolate raspberry cheesecake right behind you. If you don’t mind, let him by…

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