ZANY ZODIACS

by Antoinette Picard




Aries (Mar.21 to April 20)-Live Long and Prosper, Aries! You need to start sharing the wealth- not monetarily, but emotionally. You've kept yourself in check for so long, even Xena the Warrior Princess couldn't rip it out of you- but now, you can let go. Really. Besides, remember: they're never really gone, as long as you remember them. How you remember them is up to you.

Taurus (April 21 to May 20)- May the Force Be With You, Tauruses. It's going to need to be. You need to do some work- like, blow-up-the-Deathstar work! And those womp rats just keep coming. You know what I mean. You need to be a hero for someone very special. So grab that lightsaber, but prepare to defend yourself- because if you let anger guide you, well...that's going to the Dark Side, and their chocolate Sith cookies come with no redemption date.

Gemini (May 21 to June 20)- Don't lose your head, Gemini- everything will work out fine. As long as you think smart, that is. Someone is watching you- make sure you're on your best behavior, and don't f*ck it up. There could be a really important lifestyle change for the better in your future if you keep the sword tucked away. You know what I mean...*S*

Cancer (June 21 to July 20)-This next month will have you saying," Not my circus, not my monkey!" whenever someone else's drama threatens to encroach upon your way of thinking. You are intelligent- use it! Don't let people cage you into something you don't want to do. Go your own way! Speak your mind for as long as you have a voice! Take a stand, and don't follow the herd just because everyone else is. That could lead to a cage in a zoo you don't want to be in.

Leo (July 21 to Aug.20)-Feeling a bit out of sorts, Leo? Someone stole your ideas- and that has made you extremely angry, hasn't it? Don't get mad- get even. Pinning all your hopes on mysterious book pages, or mystical cults is just too Machiavellian. Use your intellect! Some of your closest friends are in high places; they can only help you if you ask, so don't try to do it all alone. Be prudent, wise, and be careful when trying to cure monsters- especially when in Firenza.

Virgo (Aug.21 to Sept. 20)-Feeling a bit hemmed in, Virgo? Is the world closing in on you? You need to do some traveling- get out into the wilds where you can see the 'Verse and all the beautiful places in between. Get into that old ship, and roam through the Black until you feel full and whole again. Try not to get into too much trouble; do good things, but remember: sometimes heroes need to put on their brown coats, when they aim to misbehave.

Libra (Sept. 21 to Oct. 20)-The scales of Justice are rocking, Libra! Will you be on the right side, or will you be on the wrong side? That's for you to decide, but better do it quick! One never knows when ones Fate will be wrought with interesting times; where catching the golden snitch, searching for fiery goblets, or riding hippogriffs can be quite fun, they can also be filled with peril should one choose to ignore certain signs like an ignorant muggle. Don't ignore the signs!

Scorpio (Oct. 21 to Nov. 20)- Do you feel like hunting, Scorpios? Jump in your black, '67 Impala and ride, with songs from Kansas or The Blue Oyster Cult blaring! Who knows what you will encounter? Do you care? Will you be ready to face your demons? Or will you succumb to the prayers of an angel? Be strong, young hunter, and remember: when entering a dark, unknown room, always look up! Carry on, my wayward son, there'll be peace when you are done...

Sagittarius (Nov. 21 to Dec. 20)-They say that adventure is the spice of life, and you, Sagittarius, need a little bit of that. Maybe a lot. You might be standing on the mezzanine of your own saloon, watching the girls work, or maybe tending bar. Either way, you have your fingers in too many different pies, and you need to focus more on just one or two. You know. Focus. Soon. Or you just might end up wishing you could be visiting Mr. Wu's pigs...

Capricorn (Dec. 21 to Jan. 20 )-Once Upon a Time, a long time ago, there was a goat with a fish's tail, named Capricorn. Capricorn never listened to it's elders. " Go, but be careful," they said. It stubbornly lowered it's head and ran away. "They don't know anything!" it said. Instead, it preferred to seek out the opinions of those less informed about Life, who obviously thought it was a Gemini, not a Capricorn."Go do anything you want! You're immortal!" they said. So Capricorn did. And ended up feeding Mr. Wu's pigs. The End.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 to Feb. 20)- It's time to do some introspective thinking, Aquarius. If Time and Relative Dimensions In Space willed it, would you go back, perhaps, to right a wrong? Or would you go forward, to a time Who knows when? You're having interesting times right now, aren't you, and it behooves you to remember what has gone before, so that you might face what is coming with grace and not a little bit of excitement. And remember: you are an Aquarius, not a Gemini.

Pisces (Feb. 21 to Mar. 20)-Are you on an impossible quest, Pisces? Working hard to find that one item that will bring joy and happiness to your life? Have you set your eye on the prize, with little time for anything else? Well, slow down! You're failing to stop and smell the roses, and that prize could be right before your eyes. Appreciate more those around you, and you will find what you seek. Failure to do so will make you a very lonely person. Remember the tale of Capricorn, and listen to your elders.

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