by Inkompotep Neferbath

Q: HELP me, Inkie! That Blasted Tree fell down when the cat climbed it -- the cat is in shock from the electric, I'm crushed underneath and it broke through the side of the house! What do I do, Inkie (& Obi-Wan), you're my only hope!!!

-- The Anonymous One

A: Inkie will have to repair your cat in his other column, the one about medical malpractice, but safe to say you should unplug those lights swiftest, and perhaps detach your home from the power grid before you up and have a fire. If you are still pinned under the tree, you needs must find Santa or one of his elves – or at the very least, The Grinch, and have him do these things for you. Hey, stop whining, that’s what cell phones are for? You mean you don’t have one of them helpers on your Contacts List?

As for the side of your house, that’s going to make an interesting ventilation system. If it is winter, and both cold and winter, where you are -- you’ll need to turn that into a window you can close up. Since the extra view will be nice, once you haul that tree out of the way and punish both it and the cat, buy a clear tarp and a few nails, and use that.

You might hang a seasonal angel on it, or better and cheaper yet, get your magic markers out and draw wreaths on it. Or, simply hang up your TV there, and use the space for showing old re-runs of zombie movies, Star Trek episodes, and anything else that might have a fan following.

Meanwhile, your cat should still have close to eight lives left, right?

Q: Oh, Scrofulous One!

I miss my darling enthusband beyond belief – we parted ways a few ages ago, which makes the both of us even older than you. Fortunately for you, us entwives are not nearly as long-winded as our handsome spouses…

But I digress. I miss my darlng enthusband, and wish to find a way to return to Fangorn Forest. We (all of us entwives are together) are across the Sea, in the Grey Havens, and need to find a vehicle of transport back home – and we are too large and heavy for those Deux et Mechina eagles to bear. Besides, they only like helping wizards and hobbits. Suggestions?

<> - Fimbrethil Entwife

A: Ah, thank you, darling Fimbrethil, for Inkie’s bold new title; he shall remember you fondly. Your husband Fangorn has been posting on Twitter looking for you! (At a character limit of 140, he took about 286 posts to get to the point…)

It occurs to the kindly scrofulous one that if it is easier to find The Anonymous One, he is in vast need of a new Christmas tree, and you may wish to volunteer for that role, for a few weeks? No?

If you were to return via Eagle post, perhaps the whole lot of Eagles could take one of you at a time to Fangorn? Failing that, a good bribe to Cirdan the Shipwright might be in order – the Grey Havens may be closed down a bit for future explorers, but nothing says a return trip by sea is impossible?

Inkie seriously doubts that Middle Earth is all that far from Hogwarts in the scheme of things… certainly extra-long magical broomsticks for your transport could be arranged? At least you could send your darling enthubby an Owl?

And if that fails, you could simply make a boat out of yourselves, perhaps? A little Crazy Glue to fill in the seams to make you seaworthy?

Do drop us a line or ten to tell us that you have succeeded?

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