ASK DOCTOR NEFERBATH
Q: Dear Dr Inkie
How do i get to attract more girls? They call me '"bony" and "drip face"? (and other things)
Surely I can have some Meds to give me pecs and sex appeal? Your hopeful friend,
-- The Drippin Shade
A: Inkie feels your pain. The Stinky One has many of the same difficulties in life, and he (probably) has been around a lot longer than yourself – although he’s not entirely certain how old shades can get to be…
Would you be able to find suitable “Shadettes” who have the same bony, dripping features that are part of your natural ambiance? It’s amazing what Craigslist can turn up. Inkie even found a date there, once. In case you should wander into some LotR fan-fic, Shelob is rather drippy, and perhaps she likes her paramours on the bony side? Couldn’t hurt to enquire! There’s a lively cantina in Mos Eisley on the planet Tatooine with a variety of less-constrained ladies, morphology wise, should you venture off to awaken The Force. However, and Alas, those drippy zombies and the dead that walk tend not to have minds towards romance, so the kindly physician won’t send you in those directions.
As for meds – the good Doctor suggests bulking up on steroids, but this takes time and involves various and sundry side effects you may not want. A cheaper, less hazardous route to take is to bulk up on bulky clothing – stay in the dark so that potential paramours don’t notice it’s just clothing, at least until they get to know you better. Then you can lay down the clothing, and besides these lovely ladies should love you just for yourself, right?
As for the drippiness – wander down the cold remedy aisle at your local pharmacy and take stock of their supply of anti-mucilaginous, anti-rhinitis, and related items – take the ENTIRE stock, and use a box or bottle a day. Mucinex is your friend!! It’s not just for noses…
Another suggestion: to prepare yourself mentally for the end of your dripping – change your moniker? The Dry Shade doesn’t quite have a ring to it, but Inkie is certain you can come up with something.
Q: Dear Inkie. I hope you can help. I have this ongoing problem with snow. I realize it's part of who I am, but I need to find some way to deal with the constant flaking of white stuff all around me as I walk around Pan Historia. If I don't slip and fall at least once a day, it's a miracle. Or I have trouble seeing where I'm going and often wind up in some Fan Fiction Novel I know nothing about and have no idea of what to do to blend in. Help! Please!
-- Snow Bunny
A: The Inkompotep One has noticed odd bits of snowfall and scatterings of nature’s pretense at dandruff where he’s least expected it on his rounds about the site – he’d advise other denizens of Pan Historia to use proper footwear, although he keeps to his nice, hot Egyptian-sand-hardened soles and tootsies as they have enough calluses for a good grip.
He suggests you find either an environment where you will feel right at home – there’s already a lot of snow wherever the Snow Queen hangs out in Narnia, or in those high altitude passes of Middle Earth – or perhaps you should travel to places of intense warmth, where your flakes will melt before you can slip on them? Inkie considers travelling due south and warming up, before a blinding blizzard sets you on the wrong side of any errant Caribbean pirate. (Walking the plank hurts whether you land in shark-laden waters or on a bed of ice!)
In the meantime, should such journeys not be in the immediate plan, a good pair of snowshoes may work wonders. And if you do find yourself lost, say, in the Planet of the Apes, keep an eye out for landmarks to guide you out – or into further despair. (That toppled arm and headdress from the Statue of Liberty is a good cue on that one!)
PS: Dr. Neferbath hopes you don’t journey to New England, where he is temporarily residing (when not in Ancient Egypt), any time soon – he has absolutely no desire to deal with nature’s pretense at dandruff. He’d much prefer the less slippery drips from the Drippin Shade! Although, think positive; maybe in your peregrinations you could simply be a great cure for Global Warming, and generations to come will revere you!