I am HIM Czarina Alexandra Feodorovna of All the Russias, consort and wife of Czar Nicholas II.

I was born 6 June 1872 at the New Palace in Darmstadt. Baptized on 1 July, I was given the names Victoria Alix Helena Louise Beatrice, for my mother and her four sisters. Since my father's countrymen could not pronounce my mother's English name of Alice correctly, they decided to call me the more Germanized version, hence the spelling, "Alix". Although my first given name was indeed Victoria (like my sister and so many other female cousins), I was always addressed by my second name: Alix or Alicky. I was said to have had a happy childhood, at least for a while, and I was always smiling; thus I earned the nickname "Sunny" or "Sunshine". My siblings included Victoria, who was born in 1863, followed by Elizabeth ('Ella') in 1864, followed by Irène in 1866, Ernst-Ludwig ('Ernie') in 1868, Frederich ('Frittie') in 1870 and Marie ('May') joined me in the nursery in 1874; ironically, she was born on Grandmamma's very own birthday!

At barely three years old in 1873, my elder brother Frittie, a haemophiliac, fell from Mama's bedroom window. The poor boy died within a few hours from the hemorrhaging! Mama had a glass memorial placed in the window from where my brother had fallen; it was created in his memory. After Frittie's death, Ernie became my protector and sole playmate, a standing he would hold until I became a young woman.

Mama died when I was just six when a diphtheria epidemic hit Germany in 1878. My younger sister, May, then aged four, left us too, just weeks before Mama... We five, now the only surviving children of the Hessian state, joined Papa in England. From then on, we were raised by our formidable, but loving grandmother, Queen Victoria. My siblings and I always referred to her as "Grandmamma", while our younger Battenburg cousins called her "Gangan". It was in England that I attended my first ball at sixteen. Mama's death had left a great void in my life, a void that would never be filled.

My cousin, Queen Marie of Romania later described me to a friend: "Her attitude to the world was perpetually distrustful, strangely empty of tenderness and, in a way, hostile...She held both great and small at a distance, as though they intended to steal something which was hers." Another cousin, Princess Marie-Louise of Schleswig-Holstein, also known as Louie, grew tired of my sorrow saying to me, "Alix, you always play at being sorrowful; one day, the Almighty will send some real crushing sarrows and then what will you do?" Little did I know, Louie had seen my future.

FALLING IN LOVE

On 30 April 1884, my oldest sister Victoria wed Papa's cousin, Prince Louis of Battenburg (his older brother Henry married our Aunt Beatrice!). Papa was not present at the ceremony. No one knew until later that he too had married on April 30, against Grandmamma's wishes, to his long-time German mistress, Alexandrina Hutten-Czapska (we simply knew her as "Madame Kolemine"). Being a divorcée, Madame Kolemine was less than welcome in our family...especially by the Queen. Although we all wished for Papa to be happy, a morganatic marriage to a divorced woman was unacceptable in those days. The marriage was annulled by year's end.

Two weeks after Papa's marriage scandal, my next sister, Ella married the Grand Duke Sergei of Russia at the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg. Sergei was in fact a distant cousin of ours through Aunt Marie---the former czar's wife. It was at Ella's wedding that I met my future husband. He was the Czarevitch Nicholas Alexandrovich Romanov of Russia, Sergei’s nephew. The oldest of Alexander III's five surviving children, he was destined to rule Russia, although he lacked the education for such a task.

I was only twelve at the time of my first meeting with Nicky, but I felt a great connection to him as soon as we lay eyes on one another. He was sixteen at the time and had attended the wedding with his family. His youngest sister Olga and myself became great friends; I held her in the highest regard for the rest of my days...even after her marriage to a common soldier.

COURTING & ENGAGEMENT

Nicky and I saw each other again during a mutual family visit to Coburg in 1886. After he returned home that summer, we began writing letters back and forth; long letters expressing our love and affection for each other. In the meantime, under pressure from his parents, Czar Alexander III and Czarina Maria Feodorovna (whom were also my godparents) Nicky was introduced to the Imperial Ballerina Mathilde Kschesschia, and embarked on a four year affair with her, beginning in 1890. Meanwhile, Ernie had become grand duke of Hesse upon Papa's death in March of 1892. And since my brother had not yet married, I was considered Landsmutter. With Nicky away on tours and fulfilling his duties, the world began to wonder if I would ever marry. Upon refusing the proposal of my cousin, Eddy, the dimwitted Duke of Clarence, everyone thought for certain I was headed for the life of a spinster.

But my feelings for Nicky had yet to fade. He too, must have felt it, and ended his philandering with Kschesschia 1894, when he decided to ask me to be his wife. Of course, I was not keen on giving up my Lutheran faith for the Russian Orthodox that Nicky had been born into…and his mother preferred that he marry someone else…not a minor German princess.

In the end, however, Nicky deliberately ignored their requests; he told them he would either marry me...or no one. He proposed a second time during a second visit to Coburg in the spring of 1894. Everyone had gathered to witness the marriage of my brother, Ernie to our mutual cousin, Ducky of Edinburgh. I accepted Nicky's hand this time, deciding that I would devote myself to the ways of the Orthodox Church in place of my much cherished Lutheran faith. Our engagement was announced on 20 April, in the midst of Ernie and Ducky's wedding celebrations. I do not think the bride was pleased, as she seemed jealous that Nicky and I had overshadowed her wedding day. Grandmamma, of course, was not pleased, as she thought all Russians were cold and aloof, like Sergei. She feared for Ella and myself, but I think Victoria (my sister) had finally convinced her otherwise.

MARRIAGE & MOTHERHOOD

I came to Russia with Nicky in late September, shortly after we received word that his father was dying. Upon my arrival, I was accepted into the Russian Orthodox Church as the Grand Duchess Alexandra Feodorovna; Nicky asked me to take the name so that we, as czar and czarina would honour his great-grandparents: the first Nicholas and Alexandra. Soon after my first meeting with him, the Emperor Alexander III died only fortnight later, on 1 November. Nicky was now Czar Autocrat of All the Russias. My mother-in-law, the Dowager Empress Maria requested that our wedding be postponed, out of respect for the dead. While both Nicky and I thought it the sensible thing to do, the funeral services put quite a damper on our wedding celebrations. Two weeks after the funeral, Nicky and I were married at the Winter Palace on 26 November 1894. The ceremony was a grand affair and very long! My robes were so heavy that I could barely stand, let alone walk the aisle! The heavy Imperial crown that I wore had once belonged to the famous Catherine the Great. She too, was a minor German princess, but came to Russia by force. The wedding went on for hours it seemed! Nicky and I were so exhausted that evening that we just spent the time talking and laughing until we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

Not long after our marriage, I learned that I was to bear our first child. Of course being that women could not rule Russia, we were from the beginning, pressured to have a son, but we weren’t worried with such things. We had plenty of time to produce an heir. Our first baby arrived on 3 November 1895. It was a girl, whom we named Olga, followed by Tatiana, who arrived on 29 May 1897; she and Olga, whom we named for the heroines of Alexander Pushkin's Eugene Onegin, were known as "The Big Pair", while Maria, who arrived on 14 June 1899 and Anastasia on 18 June 1901, were "The Little Pair".

Three years after giving birth to a fourth grand duchess, on 30 July 1904, Alexei Nicholaevich arrived. Nicky had chosen the name in honour of his most favored ancestor, Alexei I, the son of Peter the Great. To the world he would be the Czarevitch Alexei. But to us, he was simply our 'Baby Czar'. After Baby was born, we began to notice dark bruises on his elbows and knees. After consulting our physician, it was confirmed; my Baby had haemophilia, a blood disease passed down from mother to son, the gene inherited from my grandmamma Queen Victoria; the disease I gave to him! The year Baby turned eight, Nicky's cousin, Stana, introduced us to our Friend, Grigory Rasputin. He was a man sent by God to heal Alexei whenever his attacks would strike. If Baby even bumped his knee, just a little, he could bleed to death within a matter of minutes!

The spring of 1912 would prove to be the most difficult for us yet. As usual, we left for Spala. But Baby slipped in the bath tub and bumped his leg on the side. He lay in bed for days, wailing in agony, calling for me! But I could do nothing, but sit beside his bed and hold his hand, while his entire leg began to swell. We all thought for sure he would die. I wrote to Rasputin, who had returned to his home in Siberia, about Baby's accident as soon as possible. He responded, saying "the little one will not die. He will stop hemorrhaging tomorrow." The bleeding in Baby's leg ceased the next morning!

In 1913, we celebrated 300 years of Romanov rule. The next year, Nicky found himself at odds with Germany and my horrid cousin, Kaiser William II, as the Great War began. Nicky left for the front, taking Baby with him against my wishes. However, Nicky had confidence, leaving me in charge of the decisions in Russia until my boys came home. The people were begging us for “Duma”, but I told Nicky to be strong and firm with his people, "Be Ivan the Terrible; be Peter the Great." But my husband was a soft and gentle man; he saw himself as not fit to rule Russia and as a result, we seven eventually paid with our lives.

In April of 1918, Nicky, Masha and myself were taken from the Governor's Mansion in Tobolsk to the Ipatiev House; a small worn down home, in the mining town of Ekaterinburg. Anastasia, Tatiana and Olya remained behind with Baby while his leg healed. Out of our four girlies, Maria was chosen to accompany us because of the true strength she showed in the those last days. The ride was awful! The roads were bumby and muddy, and the carts we were riding in weren't barely covered at all! Once together again, we spent our days sometimes walking about in the gardens, wondering what would happen next. Poor Baby seemed to have an ill feeling that we would never return to Petersburg alive...

On the night of July 17, 1918, the Imperial family was awakened by Dr. Eugene Botkin, their physician. All seven memebers, and four servants were lured down to the cellar room of the Ipatiev House and executed. During the shooting, Olga, Tatiana, Maria and Anastasia seemed to be protected; they and the empress had sewn the Romanov jewels into their corsets, but this did not protect them for long; soon after, they too were shot dead. After the massacre, their bodies were wrapped in bed sheets and thrown into the back of a waiting truck. From there, the remains of the last Imperial family were driven into the Katopki Woods and thrown into a mine shaft. It wasn't until 1991 that the bones of the last czar's family were found, not far from where they had originally been buried. But out of the eleven people that were led down to the cellar that night, only nine skulls were found. Scientists know that the body of Czarevitch Alexei was not present in the grave, but still cannot agree on which grand duchess is missing, Tatiana, Maria or the youngest daughter, Anastasia. The two missing bodies have never been found. The family's remains were brought back to St. Petersburg, and buried there in 2000 when the family was made Saints of the Russian Orthodox Church. As recently as August 2007, the remains of what appear to be a 10-14-year-old male and 18-23-year-old female have been found via metal dector, close to where the remains of the imperial family were cremated. DNA testing has proved that the remains are indeed those of Alexei and one of his sisters.

In The What If? Storyline:

In 1917, Nicky was forced to sign a contract, creating himself constitutional monarch of Russia, instead of absolute autocrat, Czar of All the Russias. Nicky and I still rule this massive stretch of land side by side, just as we did before the revolution, but with laws and strict guidelines that we must follow as figureheads of State.

Nicky and I made a state visit to America with the children in the summer of 1920. Poor Baby had hurt himself so badly that American doctors immediately resorted to something called a 'blood transfusion'; they were only able to use Anastasia's blood to save him; the girls were tested for the same carrier gene that I have, and while Tatiana and Anastasia's came up negative, thank Heaven, poor Olga was proven to carry haemophilia! Meanwhile, they've remained uncertain about the condition of Maria's blood, although, thankfully, her boys have shown no signs of a bleeder. Little Sandra was born during our stay there on 28 July, and therefore, she is an American citizen by birth.

On 15 April 1921 Olga, our eldest, married Edward, Prince of Wales, son of Nicky's (and my) first cousin, George V and his wife, May. Our daughter now goes by the name of Alexandra, since her conversion to the Anglican faith. At twenty-seven, our darling still possesses a look of youthfulness. Unfortunately, dear little Catherine takes after her father, but she still has dear Olga's beautiful blue eyes and golden curls.

In June 1919, our second daughter Tatiana - my beloved Tanya who is always there for me! - wed Nicky's cousin, Prince Christopher of Greece. They resided near by for quite some time after their marriage, along with their children, Sandra, who was named for me, and Misha (whom Christo likes to call "Mikhos - his Greek nickname). Although they've been man and wife for nearly four years now, my daughter is still so cold to her husband! Although their nine-year age gap may be to blame, Christo adores her so! Born in 1888, Christo is the youngest son of the late King George I of the Hellenes, and Nicky's dearest old aunt, Olga. He is also Greek Nicky's youngest brother, and has a keen interest in the supternatural; not something that pleases our darling girlie too much! As of November 1923, Christo has been called on to play King to the Lithuanians...thus Tatiana will be his Queen. And so, I am to lose another daughter to yet another far away kingdom.

Our third daughter, Maria married Lieutenant Ivashko Grigorievich Tarkhan on June 8/21, 1918. Maria and Ivashko have three children. Our eldest grandchild, Natalia Ivashkovna was born Christmas Day of 1919. She is three now and her brothers Nicholas Ivashkovich (we call him "Kolya", as to not mistake him for his grandfather) and Grigory Ivashkovich were born 25 April 1921 and 16 April 1923, respectively. The littlest addition to Maria's family was christenend Grigory, for Vashko's deceased father; we call him Grisha. Now that Nicky has changed the succession, Maria is second in line to inherit the Imperial crown just behind Baby, making her children next...and little Grisha is the first grand duke born since Alexei. Maria is the only one who has resolved to remain close by. With our three other girlies off taking their places as Queens of Europe, only Baby and Maria, it seems, are left to us.

Well, I suppose Anastasia is not our "Little Shvibzik" anymore! She and Leopold were married in both an Orthodox and Catholic ceremony in mid-November 1922. Our Nastya, married! And at twenty-one! She is only a year younger than I was when Nicky and I were married all those years ago. But I suppose one would not be considered an 'old maid' at such an age now; it's far too 'old-fashioned' as my daughter Tatiana would say! She and Leopold now have a son, Philippe, who arrived in November 1923. Leopold, such the kind boy that he is, has quite a bit of knowledge, I assume, in the political view of things; he should be able to teach our Anastasia something....after all, she will be Queen one day!

My Baby Czar. Doctors invented a treatment for Alyousha’s sickness that helps him a great deal. He is stronger than he was as a child. With all four of our daughters married, Baby will be the last to wed. Thank the Lord he has fallen for someone who is eligible in status, as well as someone who is perfect for taking my place as czarina! She is Elizabeth, Princess of Greece and Tatiana's niece by marriage. Elizabeth is the middle daughter of Nicky's dear cousin Greek Nicky and his demanding wife, Ellen. Of course, Elizabeth is hardly anything like her mother (or her imperious grandmother, Nicky's boisterous aunt, Miechen)! She is a few months older than Baby, but I think they'll make an excellent match. There have been rumors of a proposal, but whatever the case, Nicky thinks it proper for them to wait before they marry. Ellen has a different idea about the entire issue; she, like her mother, suggests that they marry now; Baby's illness could take him from us at any time, and the sooner he sires an heir, the better! I couldn't have agreed more with Ellen's suggestion, but after much thought and consideration, I think it wise for dear Elizabeth to be eased into the ways of Imperial life, as I never had such luxuries. If Meichen had her way, however, her own descendants would be sitting on the throne as we speak!

Background and Border from The Inspiration Gallery.