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Jack X Crane


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Yes. I am quite alive and fresh from the Garden. Anna Roswell has pressed me to allow her the task of writing my bio for this purpose only. My only comment is that one should consider the source while reading.

Oh and by the way. I don't have gems, but I do have stones.

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Jack Crane's Bio

by Anna Roswell

I am writing Jack Crane’s bio because he is not a reliable source when it comes to the telling of his own tale. Primarily, it is because he cherishes his privacy and respects and protects the privacy of his family and friends. That is it, really, in a nutshell.

But there are other reasons, too, and these may vary, depending. It could be that in any given moment he may be too busy to be bothered; or that his thoughts may be preoccupied with things he believes require more of his attention than to enumerate the details and events of his life—details of which he himself is either very familiar, has forgotten, would prefer to forget, was too inebriated to be aware of, is in denial of, is too modest to admit, or is too gracious to repeat.

Of course, there may be other reasons beyond my knowledge that Jack Crane is an unreliable source to serve as his own historian in this forum. I would not be surprised to learn (nor do I wish to know) some of these reasons. But I can—with some degree of certainty—state the following: that the opportunity for me to compose Jack Crane’s bio has caused Jack some degree of well-deserved discomfort (which I may or may not get around to explaining later) and that discomfort does, in fact, provide me with a fair amount of satisfaction. Before I delve into the specific details of his background, I would like to discuss more about the man himself, his personality, and his character.

You've heard the expression, Renaissance man? That would be Jack Crane. Jack was born on 15 March 1966 in a jet plane over the Atlantic Ocean, essentially born a man without a country. He was named after his father, but the X? The X was an accident. It should have been an S, but was misinterpreted at the time his birth certificate was completed and so it just stuck. What would the initial S signify? That would be one of those eternal family secrets that I am not willing to divulge. I will carry it to my grave, or pyre, for Jack. And while I will keep the remaining details of his family confidential, I will report that he presently holds dual citizenship in the United States and Switzerland. Why Switzerland? Jack likes Switzerland. He’s a pacifist. Why the United States? Because Jack Crane is an eternal optimist.

Jack has an abundance of intelligence. To say he has a high intelligence quotient is like saying the sky is blue. How blue? How blue can blue get before it turns bluer than blue? Like ultraviolet? That is Jack’s brain. Like a sponge it is. He has a curiosity about the world around him and the world beyond him that is insatiable. He absorbs information like a sponge and it matters not if it is about science, religion, math, history, literature, art, architecture, humanities, your mother, your children, your family, your politics, your health, your needs, your hopes, your dreams, your fears—Jack Crane is genuinely interested and he will discuss it in depth and with an informed passion.

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Crane has been called "difficult to please" and
is frequently short-tempered.

As one would expect, such intelligence and natural curiosity comes with a price. Professionally, Jack’s expertise and skill is in great demand and so he is stretched to the limit. Operating with too little sleep most of the time, he is prone to bouts of insomnia, often working either all night or deep into the night and therefore he consumes far too much caffeine to stay awake, eats all the wrong foods, and consumes on occasion an excess of excesses (among which have been women, yes) and occasionally of alcohol to unwind the tightly wound brain and nerve and muscles, though these binges are usually limited to once or twice a month, thankfully (the booze, not the women). He is affable yet serious, generally in deep concentration but has been known to be childlike and playful when not encumbered with next giant problem like Atlas straining against the weight of the world on his shoulders. He exhibits an abundance of energy to the point of exhausting himself, and once or twice this has led to situations… let me just say that Jack Crane does not make a good patient. It is better that he stay healthy.

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Crane demonstrates an absolute and
unforgiving disdain for mediocrity.

What does Jack value? He values that which cannot be replicated. He values loyalty, devotion, trust, faith, confidence, purity. He values a clear running stream and clean earth. He values a dark mountain and a cool, quiet evening breeze. He values the feeling of self-worth, like any man, and I can attest that he is worthy in every sense.

You see Jack best when he doesn't know you are looking at him. That’s when you really see his brilliance straight to his center, when his mask is off. His eyes sparkle, and he is so true and crystal clear. I would even go so far to say that if you stare too long at Jack you might lose your vision, or damage your eyes. I would recommend wearing dark shades if you intend to gaze upon him for an extended amount of time. On the flip side of that coin, the side that does not glow like the sun, lies a darker side that is cold as the void. I have been witness to this side, too.

On more than one occasion, Jack and I have been apart for an extended period of time. During this time, I did not know where he was and I worried and worried and tried to fill my days and occupy my time with great things to fill that dreadful void that was once Jack Crane but of course that void cannot be filled as it is an ungodly deep black terrible place, cold and harsh. And, of course, during this time, Jack is fully aware of my whereabouts and he is able to carry on with the greatest of ease as if he hasn't a care in the world because it is life as usual for Jack Crane.

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Crane's dark side described as
"cold" and "unemotional" by some friends.

So you see, the dark side to Jack is his complete and utter disregard for the inconceivable void that he creates. You will know that it has happened to you when you’re standing in line at the department of motor vehicles to get your whatever renewed and suddenly you have tears forming in the corners of your eyes and rolling down your cheeks for no apparent reason, and there is a howling wind blowing through the hollow place where once was your heart, and you must ask yourself: did you, perchance, happen to fall in love with Jack Crane?

How blue is the midnight sky?

Yes. I’ve had a few moments like that. In parking lots. At the bank. In the movie theater, While on a date. Or dates. When intimate with other men. Yes. Thinking about Jack, even then, especially then, brought to tears. Brought to my knees. I turned myself into stone, eventually, just to survive. And the next thing I know up pops an e-mail from Jack from god knows where saying “hey, Anna luv, how’s it going?” like nothing was amiss. Like we’d just talked the day or week or month before. Like my heart hadn’t shattered in the permafrost. So goddamned cavalier it could make me scream. But enough about me, let me tell you more about Jack.

Jack Crane’s tastes run from the mundane to the exotic and that includes everything from food to beverages to travel to friends and especially to women, though, honestly, I’ve tried to break him of that last habitual womanizing thing. Really one must grow out of certain bad habits and I’ll give credit where it is due, he had matured quite beautifully (as far as I know) as it regards his fidelity. To put it in simple terms, if Jack Crane is standing in a crowd surrounded by women and he sees or senses me coming he will move heaven and earth to ensure that the waters are parted so that I am not for a moment concerned that he could even possibly be thinking impure thoughts.

To put it in simple terms, if Jack Crane is standing in a crowd surrounded by women and he sees or senses me coming he will move heaven and earth to ensure that the waters are parted so that I am not for a moment concerned that he could even possibly be thinking impure thoughts.

Did I just write that out loud? Twice?

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Crane is also described as
"caring and a hopeless romantic" by a few.

He is a very caring person, when he is in the moment. He is a hopeless romantic, when he is in the moment. He is generous to a fault. He takes great care of his friendships and completely ignores his enemies and, in truth, he can count his enemies on maybe one finger.

A few other truths before I am led away for the slaughter:

He exhibits a biting sarcasm and a razor-sharp tongue; pray you are never the recipient of his anger.

He does not suffer fools, but will teach or explain anything to anyone who wishes to learn.

His hair is usually the first casualty as he approaches Zero Drunk Thirty (I have evidence! See my profile page!). His good judgment is the second to take its leave. Punches have been exchanged even. And while he might not throw the first punch, he usually throws the last one. Most frequently, he just shreds his victims with words. Despite what you may have heard about sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never harm you? That is a lie.

Is there more? Of course. Jack Crane is epic.


The Cookie Thief




Terrible Kisses








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